Sunday, 23 December 2012

Are you a cock blocker?

Cock blocking ourselves! 

I observed a young lad in the tunnelbana the other day who was clearly terrified when an absolutely breathtaking girl sat next to him. She clearly was begging and yearning for said young lad to just try and talk to her. She moved and "accidentally fell" vigorously within the motion of the train attempting to at least make body contact with this young lad but to no avail. You could see that he was clearly in pain and anguish as he was not only trying to hide his boner for this girl but somehow he couldn't just open his mouth and speak! "Say something dammit" I was shouting in my mind.

As this clearly very disappointed young girl exited the train, she turned around one last time to stare at the toolbox of a guy. A sad, sad sight indeed I tell you. 'Housemate' and I discussed this in depth as she also doesn't understand why guys don't just grow a pair and talk to girls/women over here. Why do you wait till you inebriated? Why do you confide yourself to online dating? As the great StreetKat would say, "why do you subject yourself to such ridicule?" Why do we cock block ourselves? Is it because Sweden is a slightly feminist country therefore scaring the shit outta every guy to a sense where he doesn't even want to look at a woman? Or does it have something to do with jantelagen perhaps? Google that if you not familiar with Swedish laws. 

Whatever the case may be, if the foundation has been laid, why doubt your building skills? She has already done all the hard work by flirting with her eyes or body gestures or in some cases a blatant obvious welcoming smile! So why are you scared? I really don't mean to brag but just for the record, I met 'ScienceGirl' on a bus! Yip, träffades på en buss! and I wasn't drunk! 

Groups of guys constantly spend their boy's night out cock blocking themselves with worry and lots of silly questions like:

*What do I say to her? 

*What if she doesn't like me? 

*How do I approach her? 

*When do I kiss her?

*When do I stick it in? 

*Should I jizz in the condom?

*My God should I even use a condom? 

*When is it the right time to pee on her? 

*Would I be weird if I ask her to finger my asshole?

Enough with the questions guys, you just cock blocking yourself with all that doubt. Grow a pair, go over to her and before you know it....

Colin Out....

Saturday, 15 December 2012

Xmas is here: Weekly tip on how to get laid

The Bumblebee 

After my brief description of Botham and LaFaille's advise on how to increase your chances on 'the pull' I must admit, I am pleasantly surprised at the response. Both from the ladies as well as from the katts out there. I therefore decided to incorporate both parties for this weeks hot tip, The Bumblebee! 

During this amazing summer, I had the privilege of seeing LaFaille's fellow countrymen and Olympic medalist 'Gaspard' in action. Man was this katt something special and different. Not only was he fluent in almost every language that the women were conversing in, he was also very entertaining and had the confidence of a midget with a 12 inch cock! 'Gaspard' obviously knew what his strengths and weaknesses were and surely capitalized on this. The aspect that surprised me the most was that his mates actually calls him 'The Bumblebee' 

Once again, for my ill-informed brethren out there, a bumblebee is a social insect that is important for pollinating plants that provide much of our food. They often visit numerous flowers exhibiting pollination syndrome. Like the bumblebee, 'Gaspard' also hop, skips and jumps from one flower to the next. He entertains them just long enough to keep them guessing but simultaneously short to ensure maximum results. Its like watching someone on a speed date that makes every single woman laugh and smile and leaves them with hope in their eyes. For all we know, 'Gaspard' could be telling the same damn jokes, stories or one liners all the damn time to each and every woman. 

I asked 'ScienceGirl' and 'TheeVanessa' about this phenomenon and surprise surprise they confirmed it! The Bumblebee is an actual thing! You see when doing this, you will make people wonder about you. They start asking themselves questions like "what is it about that guy that's got everyone captivated?" Once performed and actioned correctly, people will then actually start coming up to you because they are intrigued. It is vital at this point to not give away too much. "Women can see when you have that desperate look in your eyes" says ScienceGirl. "Once we sense the desperation, you already lost as we then have no further interest" she adds. 

From what I can gather, its actually very simple. 

*Do not talk to the same girl for longer than you suppose to. 

*Try and leave the conversation on a high and then politely excuse yourself. 

*Leave your desperate, crazy eye look at home because nobody likes drool. 

*Kissing is strictly forbidden as this automatically closes all your accounts and isolates you to the one that you just slapped lips with.  

If all else fails, revert to copious amounts of Vodka+RedBull, hit the dance floor and just let go. This is always a guaranteed winner as it usually leads to you waking up somewhere strange while some random girl whispers on the cellphone to her mate "OMG, I cant believe I got so drunk and slept with that dancefloor guy of last night"

Colin Out...

Saturday, 1 December 2012

Winter is Here: Weekly tip on how to get laid

Balls: Grow a pair or use the existing ones!  

I cant exactly tell you what the time is over here in Stockholm as darkness has crept in like a catholic priest in a little boys' room. I should say winter is coming but from the looks of it, winter is already here. I am unpleasantly surprised as I still encounter some brethren out there scavenging for some 'boodissy'. Clearly they did not understand the concept of sommar slut rea when I posted it earlier this fall. Why is this still happening? The last few weeks I've been observing these poor lads standing around the bar or dance floor in total awe of the T&A of these pretentious, wannabe socialites. I am further saddened by how my fellow brethren look on as douche bags quickly swarm these ratchet girls. The aforementioned Jersey Shore lookalike douche bags literally shower ratchet in a sea of attention that they eat up like a bulimic Östermalm girl at a Mongolian buffet. As the night comes to an end, the awkward and dismayed observers go home alone to pleasure themselves whilst listening to classical music. Why is this happening to the brethren out there? I consulted with the great 'LaFaille' and 'Botham' to share some insight on how we can help these brethren. I surely cannot share my secret and tips on how I landed my dime piece hence I am stealing LaFaille and 'Botham's tips. 

As with any other Crew meeting, there was copious amounts of liquor involved. 'ScienceGirl' is starting to think that these so called 'meetings' are just gatherings for us to get shit faced and has nothing to do with helping the single guys out there. Be that as it may, I can't exactly remember what was said or what the main tip or instruction was(obviously because we were trashed), but I did get a transcript of the conversation. I would attach the sound clip but 'LaFaille' does not want his voice on the internet. Something about him "already having too much women and don't want unnecessary attention because of his French accent", I can't remember, like I said, I was wasted.  

LaFaille: you know what guy, that entire debacle that you just explained now could of have been averted if those poor onlookers just made a fucking move! 
Botham: true true! The ladies love a guy with balls! 
LaFaille: precisely! In this ever growing metro sexual global village, it's very hard to find katts with balls these days. 
Colin: yeah it is kinda borderline extinct and very high on the endangered species list. 
Botham: I mean even if you don't have your nutsack intact for whatever reason, at the very least fake it! By the time she realizes that you missing one ball or even both, she's laying in your bed, looking at the ceiling wondering why she doubted you in the first place. 
LaFaille: wait; hold on, why would you be missing your damn nutsack??? 
Botham: you know the usual shit. Your ex took them when she castrated you and turned you into a little puppy or some dudes just lack self-belief and constantly doubt themselves, such shit man! 
LaFaille: aight. The main thing is just to grow a pair, go over and just introduce yourself. Be confident but not arrogant and just play it cool. 
Botham: exactly! Play it cool. Don't cling on to her like she's your favorite jerkoff pillow. Just a quick 'hi there' like Colin does, a quick 10 second chat and walk away. 
Colin: dude why would you disclose my game like that? 
LaFaille: *laughing hysterically* Dude everybody knows your game! 
Botham: true! 
LaFaille: but you also need to make her wonder about you. So when you do talk to her, look her dead in the eyes! Do not and I repeat, DO NOT look or even glare at her booty, boobs, belly ring, nothing! Don't even drop your eyes below her neckline.
Botham: word! Because now she will wonder why aren't you looking at her boobs or under her skirt seeing that she is going commando and this makes her nervous.
Colin: preach! It also sets you apart from all the other affliction-clad toolboxes that has been hounding her all night.  
LaFaille: yip. Besides, if you make a move with solid platinum balls and she rejects you, she either has a boyfriend or is into girls. Either way, you're a winner.
Botham: how the hell is that winning? 
LaFaille: you got your nutsack back so you now have the confidence to carry on and build from there. 
Colin: yeah I suppose alotta katts constantly cock block themselves on nights out with all that doubt and disbelief in their minds. 
Botham: fucken A bro! There is too much katts out there doubting themselves which only gets in the way of introducing yourself, taking her back to yours, ripping her clothes off and fucking the shit out of her. It's just that simple! 
LaFaille: hold on, I don't shag girls at my place dude. I take them back to theirs! 

this pic has nothing to do with this post, its just damn funny

I cant remember the rest of the conversation but the morale of the story is 'Grow a pair'. As I head out into the night, I sincerely hope my fellow brethren heed the call and take action tonight! I do not want to see any single brothers out there doubting themselves. But be careful, don't get too arrogant or else you will fall into the douche bag category.  

Colin out....

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Grabbing ass in this day and age???

Seriously? Really??? Are there still guys out there thinking that grabbing ladies booty will get you laid? How is that working for you buddy? matter of fact, I bet you are the same faggot protesting against catholic priests touching little boys booty holes. The irony is that you are no different my young man. You are just as disturbed and need help.

Maybe it's my fault; I should have posted those tips on how to get laid long ago already. Alternatively, it could be your mom's fault too! She should have done the world a favor and smothered you at child birth. Whatever the cause may be, seriously gents, it is not cool to just randomly grope any woman's booty. No matter how beautiful, luscious and appetizing it looks. It is not Ayoba to just do it. That is not what the Nike slogan means. There are ways and means to go about doing this and if you are not educated in that field, feel free to consult me. I would gladly give you lessons on Tuesdays and Thursdays on how to put the sensual back into non-consensual. 

People get killed for less gents so let us not have a misunderstanding. Grabbing a woman's ass is not cool and that is how rapist tendencies evolve. Yes, we know, your daddy touched your sister then climbed in your bed playing with your junk. Go ahead, take your belt off and hang yourself, matter of fact, grab your gun and kill yourself! And if you are too pussy to even do that(which you probably are) feel free to come to me or my crew.

Colin out....

Saturday, 24 November 2012

My imaginary friend comes to life

The last 72 hours has been insane! You know how I always made reference to my "inner voice" in previous posts? Well have you ever wondered what that inner being looks like? Is he a much more cooler individual than me? Does he sport the Jimi Hendrix hairdo and ooze with the luscious and frivolous sex panther? I wish I could answer all those questions but seeing that I am drugged up and about to go under the knife, let me give you a timeline breakdown of how my inner voice came to life: 

72 Hours ago: I woke up with a slight bump on my sternum and being the ever macho individual that I am, I just brushed it aside as a small zit. 

68 Hours ago: In just a few hours, the 'small zit' has now evolved into a giant red bump. The type of bump you get on your forehead when your grandma beat you with a hammer for jumping on her couch. Still, I am not worried for I am a man! 

58 Hours ago: Somehow this bump continues to grow and despite me waging war on it with disinfectant, anti bacteria and antibiotics, it grows bigger, stronger, faster and angrier! 

40 Hours ago: The bump has now transformed and somehow evolved into an alien within me. I literally look like I have an erection on my chest. It has its own pulse, heartbeat and is growing hair too. I fear for my life because soon this 'thing' will grow legs and arms and take over the world if I don't do something.

20 Hours ago: I am in tremendous pain. 'Thing' has now morphed and changed color. He is growing at such a rapid pace that myself, Gruff Daddy, Jaxx and HannaMontana can literally see it growing by the second. 

19 Hours ago: I contact the brilliant health care system provided by the Swedish government. I explain the urgency of this 'thing' evolving inside of me. They don't see the urgency nor feel my pain and brush it aside. 

16 Hours ago: I have to endure another night of anguish and suffering as I am only allowed to go to the hospital tomorrow.

14 Hours ago: Being the super smart girl she is, 'ScienceGirl' has a plan on how to relieve some of the pain. She tries her magic; it works! I am temporarily relieved but also high on meds. Thank you 'ScienceGirl' your the best. 

6 Hours ago: The 'alien' is now furious! He is fighting back and oozing with yellow venomous juice trying to combat 'ScienceGirl' meds and my traditional African magic and healing methods. 

1 Hour ago: Despite the agony, I dragged myself and 'Bob'(yes, he now has a name, personal number and citizenship) to the hospital. 

Now: The nurse takes the phone from my hand. She mumbles in broken English "doctor said no phone in surgery room" as the ushers continue to push my bed to the bright light. Bye 'Bob' you will not be missed! 

Colin passed out.....

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Dreams and Nightmares

Either the Drinking Gods are angry with me for what they deem as a series of offenses their favorite son has committed or I am some super hero that's suppose to do something miraculous. Whatever the reason might be, I find it very annoying because recently I started having a collection of dreams and nightmares. Now allow me to explain why this annoys me. You see for years I was a firm believer that I am the one individual that does not dream. I merely close my eyes, enter darkness and wake up in the light when the time is right. This theory was further supported by my copious alcohol intake which made me immune to dreams and nightmares as I hardly passed through the required rapid eye movement phases in order to remember shit! With a recent spate of roller coaster events within the last 2 weeks, alcohol was the last thing on my mind. This probably explains why systembolaget had a massive drop in share prices. It is also the reason why I removed my previous post "Winter is coming: Weekly tip on how to get laid" as the timing was not right. But fear not, those weekly tips will follow soon as many of you were quite confused as to why the post was removed.  

I am not a superstitious individual nor do I believe in hocus pocus but this recent spate of illusions are concerning. I would rather much have nightmares involving circus folk trying to anally probe me than being violently executed. Maybe its the dark Swedish winter affecting me? Maybe my body is just not used to falling asleep sober? Whatever it may be, I am not happy with this and it needs to stop. 

Someone recommended that I see a 'dream specialist' to have my nightmares interpreted to which I burst out with laughter. The only reason why I laughed because it was the only reaction that would prevent me from punching said individual in the face. Go ahead, try it. You cannot punch or slap someone while laughing vigorously. Have my nightmares interpreted pppfftt! You must've lost your God damn mind yes. Give me three bottles of RedHeart Rum and I will interpret my own damn dreams and nightmares. 

*Side Note* now that I'm done bitching and moaning, watch out for those much anticipated tips on 'how to get laid' coming soon

Colin out...

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

Don't fit in, stand out!

I've always been told by mother dearest that 'The good Lord made you to stand out, not to fit in. So shine my boy, shine' and never a true word spoken. With the current spate of meet and greets with 'ScienceGirl' recently, it was now time to get approval from her mates. Now let me pause for a moment to educate the future up and coming ThunderKatts on dating Swedish women. Firstly, if her friends don't approve of you, continue finger-banging yourself to sleep while listening to classical music. Friends approval is everything over here my obnoxious online reader. Its bigger than family! Secondly, refer back to the previous statement that starts with Firstly! 

Now bearing in mind that I already made so much mistakes when 'meeting the parents' I surely didn't want to repeat the same feat again. I therefore looked in the mirror and told myself 'self you got this'. Remember; whenever there is doubt, there is no doubt! With that said, I decided to crack back a few Vodka+RedBulls and just wing it. 'ScienceGirl' was hosting a traditional Swedish dinner party with all her mates present and this was the platform for me to be introduced to her crew. Not wanting to repeat the previous week's mistake, I decided to suit up. Upon gazing in the mirror, I got flashbacks of my younger years in Mzanzi. You must suit up to church! You must wear uniform to school! You must wear blazer and tie to rugby matches! Your hair must be 2cm from your ear and collar. I got a slight repulsive and rebellious feeling and decided "fuck it, go as me and let's switch it up". 

As the first few guests arrived, I started regretting my decision but as with anything else, there is nothing that a few Vodka+RedBulls can't change. I felt a bit uneasy because my Swedish is as useful as a nun with fake tits. However, ScienceGirl's mates quickly made me feel at ease by rather interacting in English. As my confidence reached its peak, I was ready for takeoff and flight CA710 aboard Colin Airways was reaching altitude.  

I always thought that The Lad Fraternity back home rolls deep but it turns out we are not the only ThunderKatts rolling like that. Each and everyone of the 'ScienceGirl' crew rolls at least 2 degrees deep. After dinner we made our way to what can only be described as an absolute clunge fest(in the wise words of 'Botham' and the guys). It was at this point that I missed The Crew because the ratio of ladies to guys at this party was 12:1 and they would have cleaned up at this gig. 

After a few glasses of welcome bubbly, I was soon chatting to the rest of the boyfriends at the bar. Somehow my Swedish must have improved miraculously for I was not only understanding, but speaking Swedish too. In a smooth, quiet and continuous motion, I made my way towards the dance floor but not before being stopped by 'randomgirl' who yearned for me by first name. I hate when this happens because I then have to pretend that I remember names. This occurrence repeated itself numerous times throughout the evening but just with different characters. To my surprise, they were not mates of 'ScienceGirl' but merely heard of the enigma. 

I am not quite sure how the night ended but apparently according to feedback, it went well. Or like 'Botham' or 'LukeyFiasco' would say "IN". It turns out 'TheeVanessa' was right when she said "don't fit in, stand out and shine Black Diamond" 

Colin Out...

Saturday, 27 October 2012

Different Levels of Drunk

With the weekend in full force and everybody out and about shouting YOLO because they are a 'Thousan-aire' for a week, It is my duty to educate my fellow brethren on the levels of drunk. Please note that these levels apply to me and my conditioning for handling liquor. As sure as Black Baby Jesus made everyone unique(or so they say), these levels should not be applied to anyone else. I can not be held responsible for any liver or kidney complications resulting in trying to keep up with me. Without further a due, lets go through the 5 levels of Drunk so that you know in which mood to approach me when out and about during weekends.

Like breathing, buzzed comes naturally. I usually reach this level after 2 or 3 six-packs of Stella while playing some PS3 or watching football on the telly. Nothing exciting happens when one is buzzed however, it is the gate way to the next level. A mere phone call or text message literally becomes inspiration when you are buzzed. All of a sudden your 'quiet night' playing PS3 or with the lady now evolved into 'lets hit the streets'.

You are now entering the twilight zone. Drinking games all of a sudden are an awesome idea and you have a crazy craving to beat the cinnamon challenge or try the reverse tequila shot. It is at this point that any normal person should be heading for the safety and solitude of their bed to rest and recover. But we are not normal are we? Nope. Alcohol is courage in a bottle so instead, we keep the liquor flowing to reach that next level. 

Is also known as 'hammered' for my non-Afrikaans speaking brethren. By now you firmly believe that you are a rap star/ball player and you only ordering drinks by the bottle. You are way too cool for glasses as well so you drinking straight from the bottle. No female is unattainable in your eyes and Clark Kent haven't got shit on you, let alone King Kong! Any music is great music and you find yourself dancing lasciviously to Dubstep. In your mind, a crowd has gathered around you to watch and learn as you literally float across the dance floor with your slick moves. Seriously, you should head home... But you don't! "The night is only a fetus" you proclaim to your onlookers and you insist that nobody should leave because things are about to get crazy. 


I usually get to this level at sporting events for the mere reason that it is always on a Saturday. By then I literally just leave wherever I am and continue to drink. An example of 'Motherless drunk' comes to mind when my good friend StreetKat literally scooped me up one fine Saturday morning from a party I had attended since the Thursday. After a shower and quick clothing change, we started cracking bottles and were on our way to my beloved Newlands, home to the best rugby team on planet earth. I was so smashed that StreetKat literally had to feed me but after copious Vodka+RedBulls, I was back on my stride again. It is at this point that my courage is sooo high, you would swear that I was on cocaine. But its not, that's just my awesomeness kicking in to 6th gear. We quickly gathered a massive crowd due to new songs and anthems with dance moves that I had taught the fans outside the stadium. Being in the state that I was, I didn't even notice that my mates had written my contact details in case of emergency on my body with a permanent marker. I cant remember much of that day but I do remember pissing off some dude because I was insulting and making fun of his girlfriend. Apparently they weren't related but I wouldn't take no for an answer. As darkness crept up on us, I insisted that I drive back home because according to me 'Everyone is too drunk'. 'DelMorris' quickly proved that statement by trying to reverse his car into a fence. Still, they wouldn't let me drive because trust me, if you knew me, you wouldn't either. 


This is the one level I do not want to reach ever again. You know when you wake up in the morning thinking 'How did I get here?' or 'why am I still alive?'... Yeah, that's Colin Drunk. I can tell you about how I woke up in a forest with deer surrounding me. I can even top that with a story of waking up in Copenhagen after a night of debauchery in Stockholm. However, one specific story sticks and its been told to me by 'Botham' and numerous others. That's the disadvantage with Colin Drunk, you don't remember shit! Your eyes are open but there is nothing going on. On one fine summers day, we were all out having a bbq and getting shit faced on Vodka+RedBulls, whiskey, red wine, rum and brandy. This obviously led to Colin Drunk at which point I was chatting with 'GirlA' and cracking jokes. Once again, this is according to 'Botham' who claims that I slapped 'GirlB' on the ass. I then proceeded to inform her that "you can be lucky i'm going home with 'GirlA' or else you would've gotten this good dick". I looked 'GirlB' dead in her eye, did my famous *HUH* grunt and walked away. I then asked 'MoustacheGuy' if he gets fucked in his face often seeing that he looks like a vagina. He didn't find this amusing at all but his girlfriend did so I rather conversed with her. Here is the funny thing about Colin Drunk, I never go home with any of the ladies I talk to. I always end up passed out on a park bench, forest, train, bus or apartment hallway. The true miracle is that I wake up with my face and body parts intact. The Drinking Gods must surely love their favorite son because nobody has ever yet bashed my face in with all the insults I dish out. 

I am glad that Colin Drunk is retired and will no longer make public appearances. Since I started dating 'ScienceGirl' there is no reason for such tomfoolery and ridicule. So I guess there is only 4 levels then huh? 

Colin Out....

Thursday, 25 October 2012

Meet The Parents

There are a few things more scarier and terrifying to a ThunderKatt. Bear in mind that it takes a lot to make a true ThunderKatt nervous. Jail and the police? nah. Unemployment and being broke? hell, we wrote the manual on how to survive that. However, meeting the parents, that's right up there alongside prostate and rectal examination. Damn, I'm even sweating just typing this...

Last week I had the fun and stressful ordeal of meeting the 'ScienceGirl' clan. Yip! brother, sister and parents so you can only imagine the nerves of steel I required. From the feedback and response I was given, I apparently did a sterling job and was well impressive. This comes to me as a massive shock because I think I had a horrendous meet and at times literally just wanted to crawl into Mother Earth and die. With all of that said and done, I decided to help you fellow up and coming ThunderKatts with some helpful tips and guides on what NOT to do.


For the love of God and Black Baby Jesus, never ever be late! Rather be standing there waiting with flowers 1 hour before the agreed time but don't be late. My dumb ass got lost and couldn't find the Opera house(yes, we went to the Opera with her family). Needless to say I was then sweating like a Kenyan Olympic athlete who just completed the 3000m final due to all the running around. Do not be late.


You can never, ever, ever go wrong with a lovely tailored suit. My dumb ass thought I would go retro/vintage with mustard chino's, a fitted shirt and knitwear. That might sound okay but bear in mind we went to the Opera and it was raining. Rain and mustard chino's don't go well together.


By now you obviously know that 'ScienceGirl' is Swedish so obviously her mother tongue is Svenska. With my smart ass not being able to speak Swedish, this automatically places me on the back foot. Don't let this happen to you too. Learn the language fool, its not that hard.(I've since been attending Swedish classes on the regular). Yip, 'ScienceGirl' sooo hot make a brother wanna learn Swedish.


As we were at an Opera performance, I needed to dig deep into the memory bank and recall conversations and interactions with my boy Luthando Qave. This did benefit me a bit as I could at least have a meaningful conversation with Mrs 'ScienceMom'. Score!

All in all, above all my mistakes and mishaps, I apparently did well according to 'ScienceGirl' so I am happy. With another jam packed weekend on the horizon, I still need to fill you in on LaFaille and CrayZee's parties. So stay tuned, updates to follow.

Colin Out...

Friday, 12 October 2012

Do ThunderKatts retire or just retreat?

This question has been hovering around in my subconscious for quite some time now. And seeing that 'winter is coming' I cant help but ponder on it some more. Obviously the answer is pretty simple if you a Party Kat in Sweden, then yes, you hibernate. If you in a relationship, then obviously you are forced to say yes too(just make sure your Mrs isn't standing behind you before you dare answer no and acting all manly). But what if you a real ThunderKatt? I'm not talking about these young bloods running around acting a fool and just being ignorant. I'm talking about old school ThuderKatt. At this point if you asking what is the criteria for ThunderKatt? Please stop reading and a) continue playing World of Warcraft while your insanely HOT Mrs is getting ready for a night out with the ladies. b) try stealing your testicles from your partner/spouse's handbag. I'm sure its rolling around next to the vanity mirror and lipstick.

ThunderKatts back in the day
What do we do? I'm asking because I also don't know. You see in 2011 my motto was "Because I Can" and that led to many a great night and some insane memories but also total destruction and ruin at times. Before that, in 2010, I think we all adapted the "feel it, it is here" motto and that too had its ups and downs. For the latter part of 2012 I have dropped "YOLO" and gone for "Moments" which has been working wonders thus far. More than wonders I should add but that's for another day.  

new motto???
With me not going to The Great CPT for my annual summer break with The Lad Fraternity in December, I'm really asking all the brothers out there, what do you do over here in Europe in winter? I've seen so many fellas going into hibernation and becoming depressed during this period. I sincerely do not wish for that to happen. What do the real ThunderKatts do? With all that being said, I'm off to a Knife Party concert with 'ScienceGirl' because retirement is not an option. 

Colin out....

Tuesday, 9 October 2012

Vienna Nights....

Myself and KingKenny set off on a reconnaissance mission to Vienna, Austria last week on a 7 day expedition. As we have been to this city before with ElectroSeb, we had high expectations. Upon arrival the Sunday afternoon, I rung up KingKenny who had already checked in to our hotel as he flew in fresh from Barcelona. He informed me that we staying in a pimped out boutique hotel and boy was he right! I've never received better service at any hotel thus far. Much respect and big ups to Steigenberger Hotel Herrenhof.
We started walking around in the city and whilst amazed and stunned by the cities beauty and architecture, I was saddened by the night life. You see for a young thunderkatt from Cape Town, Sunday Sundowner sessions is a must and vital for any city. I frantically called all my Viennese people but to no avail. When I managed to get a muster of response, they all merely mumbled that they are recovering and hungover as hell. "This is going to be a long week" I told KingKenny as we headed back to the hotel to ransack the mini bar.

Monday started off gently as "Roos Dookin" and his crew took us to Fridays for dinner and drinks. He explained why nobody responded on Sunday but to me that still didn't make sense. As his explanation was ringing around in my head, I experienced something that doesn't happen in Sweden. The waiter just came and dropped a few round of drinks and said "this is on the house guys". Needless to say this led to more of those and we ended off the night at some Irish pub. Clearly hanging with "Roos Dookin" and his crew had its perks. Still being tired and not wanting to overexert ourselves, we jumped to the opportunity of dinner at Gabreezi and his Mrs place on Tuesday. He definitely upgraded as he has a stylish and retro new apartment in a great district.

Wednesday was the day/night I was actually looking forward to the most. "Roos Dookin" had hyped up this club so much, I was like a kid on Christmas eve. We started out first with dinner and drinks at CoachAwesome's favorite restaurant. Coincidentally it was filled with Arsenal fans so I kept my opinion to myself as I was clearly outnumbered here. Myself and KingKenny went back to the hotel to get ready for the club but he had to retire as the battle with flu had taken its toll on him. I set out and met "Roos Dookin" and his sidekick as we walked to what look like a hot dog stand. I knew it wasn't a hot dog stand because why would all these beautiful people queue all dressed up for hot dogs.

It turns out this club, Passage, used to be a pedestrian underpass that was empty for many years before being turned into one of the hottest bar and night clubs in the world(Yeah I said it)... The lighting and decor is trendy and very posh. The sound is amazing and the bar staff mixes a mean cocktail. We went straight into the V.I.P section with "Roos Dookin" and his sidekick. I could immediately tell that he goes there a lot. This was clearly evident as one barman offered us some kick ass drinks on sheer sight. Roos asked if I had ever encountered 'ratchet' women to which I obviously replied 'No'. He laughed and saw this as a clear opportunity to demonstrate this to me by ordering bottles of vodka and red bulls. Immediately we were swarmed and surrounded by females who started grinding vigorously like their life depended on it. Roos just laughed and shouted 'Now that is ratchet'. I left the V.I.P area to explore the rest of the club and not be treated like some drinks provider. Hell, I work damn hard for my money and I already have 'ScienceGirl' so no thanks 'girl that is grinding for drinks'. Colin don't roll like that.
I was pleasantly surprised that 'ratchet' and pretentious douche was only 20% of the Passage crowd. With that thought in mind, I lost myself in the music and hit the dance floor. I must of been dancing for quite some time because when I got back to our area, "Roos Dookin" had gotten more drinks. I am not entirely sure how we got home but the next morning "Roos Dookin" woke up in our hotel.
By Thursday, all I wanted was just to come back to Stockholm and relax with 'ScienceGirl' but that dream was quickly crushed. You see in Vienna, Thursday is called Thirstday and myself and KingKenny were invited to BarItalia for mojito's and caipirinha's with AustrianChick and her entourage. The night started out mellow and very relaxed. However, it ended with myself and KingKenny finding our way to the dance floor and me being put in a cab back to the hotel as I was unable to speak German.

By Friday I was once again thankful that AustrianChick invited us to dinner and drinks at her place as I surely needed a relaxing evening. She clearly is in the wrong industry as she whipped up a superb 3 course dinner from scratch and sent me on a mission to get some sturm, an Austrian wine to complement the dinner. I was quickly kidnapped by KingKenny and "Roos Dookin" and they lured me; very easily I may add; to a local basketball game with beer. We returned to AustrianChick's apartment just in time for dinner as all her guests had arrived and she quickly forgave my incompetence with shots of austrian schnapps. We left dinner just after midnight to hook up with "Roos Dookin" and his crew at Fragezeichen(which means Question mark in English). I once again realized that this was his mates club as our seating area was reserved and quickly filled with vodka and red bulls.

What happen after the 3rd bottle of vodka I cannot for the life of me remember but I know I had a self induced heart attack and brain aneurysm the next day when checking my bank statement. Apparently, and this is according to "Roos Dookin" and receipts found in my wallet, we went to some place called Volksgarten where I too wanted to pop bottles and live the Roos Dookin lifestyle. Listen and learn from me people, stay in your financial lane! The Roos Dookin lifestyle is not for everybody! I am part of that everybody!

After a quick brunch on Saturday morning, I was suppose to meet up with 'CameraChick' to attend a video shoot. 'CameraChick' is a young and talented photographer with a lot of insight in the Vienna culture and scenes. Needless to say I was confused when I arose from the hangover of hell to find out I missed our appointment. In true Colin fashion I just shrugged my shoulders and figured "ah well, next time" and continued drinking.
If only I could remember the rest of Saturday, I would honestly tell you about it. However, for the life of me, I really cant. On Sunday morning myself and KingKenny set off to the airport. The city was dead and derelict. Not a single person in sight and it was already 9 in the morning. I was baffled and stunned but soon realized why exactly a week before, I was in the same situation unaware of why Vienna sleeps on a Sunday.

The extent of my party ways only dawned on me when I ordered sushi with 'ScienceGirl' back in Stockholm. My card was declined but once again, in true Colin fashion, I always have a back up card LOL. I ended off a perfect week with sushi, perfect football and a perfect woman. Life is good.

Colin Out...

Sunday, 30 September 2012

Alcohol is not for everyone...

As my great friend Reesie would say, "drank is nie iets wat jy op jou edgars kaart moet koop nie" She basically implies that alcohol is not something everyone should have access too. This is a well known phenomenon yet not something most people abide too. We tend to over indulge and drink ourselves to a paraplegic stooper. Why do we do this you ask? Well I can't speak for the rest of society but I partake in this habit because I am a) unselfish b) contributing to economic growth and job creation. You see my fellow thunderkatts, when I crack that beer or pop that bottle, I don't think about my liver or kidneys. Oh no, I think about all those employees in the liquor industry that depends on me to secure their job and future. They need me to put their kids through school, pay their bond, cover bills and put food on that newly bought IKEA dinner table. So I unselfishly sacrifice my liver and kidneys to ensure the well being of others unknown to me.  
ScienceGirl made sure Botham finishes his shots
With that said, it was 'Botham' last weekend in Stockholm. Being the prolific and flamboyant individual that he is, he was scooped up for a permanent move to the London office. This obviously meant The Crew needed one last debauchery filled evening. In true 'Botham' fashion, he suggested we head to the new Scandic Grand Central for drinks and 'whatever happens' next. I arrived there shortly after 17h00 with the entire Crew already getting their sippy sippy on. The place was packed with beautiful people of all genres, age and ethnicity. It was a perfect set up. The order of the day was obviously to get 'Botham' as motherless drunk as possible. By 20h00 we had run through copious amounts of gin, vodka, beer, rum and the drinks just kept coming. By 21h00 I was steaming and started to get worried because 'ScienceGirl' was on her way and I was beyond hammered already. I contemplated buying some water but LukeyFiasco and Just-ICE smacked sense in to me and I realized that is against The Crew code.  

When 'ScienceGirl' arrived, I was Colin-Drunk and my inner voice had to be the responsible person. I focused and concentrated so hard on being sober and getting other people on my level of inebriation that I completely missed the fact that she was also well on a level of intoxication. The night just got better and better and even 'BigSexy' 'LeGrange' and 'Scandalous' rocked up. At this point you really don't want to know how many vodka+pineapple and gin+ginger ale we had gone through already. 'LaFaille' kept them coming, 'Just-ICE' racked up shots of sambuca and tequila and 'Take-It-To-The-Base' made sure the beers were flowing like an endless stream. We all were royally fucked yet everyone kept their pose and this was our greatest demise. 

Eventually after 03h00 somebody came up with a brilliant idea of heading to another club. I then used this to conjure up an escape plan for 'Botham' who was not only motherless drunk but couldn't even spell his own name, let alone think straight. 'ScienceGirl' hinted that we hit the club too but she would be fine to go home as well. I made an executive decision and chose the latter. With The Crew still debating on which club to overthrow, I snuck 'Botham' and his lady companion away into a cab. Myself and 'ScienceGirl' then took abuse from The Crew for allowing 'Botham' to get away.
With their focus on clubbing, we decided to pull a Houdini ourselves and slipped into a cab. The moment we hit the seats, 'ScienceGirl' was out like a candle. I'm still not sure who was more inebriated but I think I won as I was at least able to speak. She could hardly mumble her address to the cab driver which had me in tears of laughter much to her frustration. I now know what it must be like when people have to look after me when I get Colin-Drunk. Thank you 'Sciencegirl' as that was a world first for me. As I am typing this on board a flight to Vienna, I still haven't heard from half of The Crew. 'Botham' is alive though, that much I know and can confirm. 

Colin out....

Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Star Struck? Nah!

As a young lad that is crazy about football, when Super Sunday approaches, I usually have two mildly raucous evenings just before the big day. This way, I can enjoy Super Sunday in the best possible position and condition; wasted, hungover and paralytic. For those lost souls that have a question mark on their face about Super Sunday, please hand in your man card and give your other testicle to your partner/wife/spouse as well.  
The Drinking and Super Sunday Gods must have decided to bless their favorite son as my weekend could not have started any better. I was offered box tickets by 'ScienceGirl' to a local football match between Djurgården and BK Häcken. In my mind, this was perfect. I've been to numerous rugby matches in the private suites courtesy of 'WhiteRhino' and 'StreetKat' back in Cape Town. So I was gearing up for a night filled with debauchery, beer, liquor and of course football. However, to my somewhat expected surprise, this was not the case. Remember, we are in Sweden people! 

The food was excellent and divine, there was no strong liquor and the beer was watered down to a non-efficacious 3,5%. I didn't care because I got to spend more time with 'ScienceGirl' who happens to like football as well. I kinda felt like the title to Wiz Khalifa's new album, O.N.I.F.C because I quickly noticed that I was the only brother of pigment up in there. Still, I couldn't be bothered. Then out of my peripheral vision I saw a familiar face. I kept thinking to myself "hold on a minute, I know this dude" and then it struck me. This was Patrick Vieira! According to 'ScienceGirl'(and I cant confirm this), I went so pale that I actually blended in with my fellow Caucasian brothers. She obviously found this amusing and said it reminded her of the time she met Dennis Rodman. I finally built up the courage to go over to him after numerous watered down beers and was pleasantly surprised. He is actually a cool and calm dude and nothing like the aggressive Vieira vs Keane battles we used to see. 

Saturday proved a different kettle of fish as it was 'Botham' farewell party. I really cant tell you much of this night as there were copious amounts of booze, the police was involved and the entire Crew was there. I'm still waiting for pictures or videos to surface as these things usually triggers my memory. All I know is that on Sunday I woke up wasted, not knowing where I was or how I got there but I was in time for Super Sunday.

Colin out....

Thursday, 20 September 2012

Recession! What Recession?

I literally have to write this post from the hospital as I injured my back earlier today. How exactly did that happen you ask? No, it was not related to any sexual game or kinky role play! I simply fell of my chair whilst assessing my finances! Yes, it would appear that my somewhat frivolous partying lifestyle has caught up with me! To ensure that this does not happen to my fellow ThunderKatts and Mzanzi brethren, I have outlined a few pointers and tips to guide and help you in avoiding this situation:  

1. Listen to the specialists.   

For the last 5 years I was being ignorant and hard headed when people said "there is a recession" I was jokingly dancing and shouting "what recession" as I continued to bottle pop, model drop and strip club hop. Which brings me to my next point.... 

2. Leave the bottles for the rap artists.

Buying rounds of drinks is okay but 12 bottles for 10 people is just silly. Trust me, those girls you going home with wont remember you anyway.  

3. Drink responsibly. 

I finally found out that responsibly is not a drink nor a person. For years I wondered what my beloved mother was on about when she said 'drink responsibly' but at least now I know. 

4. Get a girlfriend.

Yeah I said it. Single life is damn expensive people! Bottle poppin' model droppin' strip-club hoppin' till 7am on a weekday then doing it all over again the next day is no joke! That shit is expensive and doing it 4/5 days in a row is hideous and serves no purpose. For who? For what? Yeah sure you will have to do couple stuff but trust me, that is far far cheaper than the alternative lifestyle. Which leads me to the last point....

5. Party in your financial lane.

This is much easier when you have a girlfriend. I have been observing my mates, and the ones with ladies avoids partying with me. The other single ones goes just as H.A.M as I do. When you have a lady, she will fuck you up if you party with us because she has a hint of how things go down. You therefore stay in your financial lane and rather opt for the safe option of romantic movies, popcorn and snuggle struggle.  

If any of these tips still doesn't appeal to you, then to hell with it. I cant repay you for the time that you spent reading this. However, next time you see me in the club, slide over and say "lets pop bottles" and we'll call it even. You might just end up so shit faced that you don't remember your own name but hey, these things happen! 

Colin out......

Monday, 17 September 2012

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause....

So with majority of The Crew either in Riga or London this weekend, I was gearing up for a relaxed weekend. Not really sure what to expect and where I would end up, I was still very optimistic as these are usually the best weekends. Myself, VinnyChase, KingKenny, Huber and Just-ICE hit some local bar in the city centre after work. As we entered said bar, I was pretty sure we had the address wrong and this was actually a morgue or a church. I was even more confused because firstly people hardly die in this city nor do they believe in God so why would there be a church or morgue in the city centre. The decor was very chic and retro and all 3 floors are spacious over looking the water and European style buildings. I know you thinking "damn that sounds great" and it probably is. The problem was, we were the only katts there! The barman walks out from the back probably woken up by our noise and scuffling and he literally looks like he has one foot in the grave. This has to be the oldest barman in history as I'm sure I saw him in some John Wayne movie and he was already old back then. We decided to stay here and get shit faced anyway, whats the worst that can happen right?

I am still not sure whether we were drinking stronger beer or was it the "time-space continuum" that always affects men when they in pubs/bars/clubs. For those katts that's not sure what the "time-space continuum" is, lemme break it down for you. Basically this is a mathematical model that combines space and time into a single construct. This spacetime is usually explained with a model where space is three-dimensional and time has the role of a fourth dimension. Long story short; You are in the pub drinking and getting hammered and according to you, time is standing still. When in reality and on the outside of that specific pub/bar/club, the world is actually progressing at a rapid pace. This usually explains why men are always in trouble with their ladies because when we enter the "time-space continuum" our watches and mobiles literally freezes and time stands still.

This was surely the case because by the time Just-ICE went to get our round of umpteenth drinks. We were surrounded by people and it appeared that it was somehow strangely dark outside. The old barman was now replaced by young, fresh, vibrant and good looking bar ladies. Everyone around us was dressed to impress and looked like they literally walked off the cover of a style magazine. I had no idea what was going! One of the staff members came over to VinnyChase and KingKenny and spoke to them in Swedish. From what I understood, we were being asked to move upstairs to the club section as this bar was now closing. During this same transition period, I received a text message from ScienceGirl inviting me over to her place as she was hosting a 'beer-and-taco' evening. "Be there in 10 minutes with The Crew" was my response.

It surely must of been the longest ten minutes of my life because by the time I got there, it was Saturday morning and once again I woke up not knowing where the hell I was or how I got there. I cant tell you much about the clubbing experience other than it was filled with young good looking students in search of a great time. KingKenny had to fill me in on the gaps when I saw him on Saturday. Needless to say he was still shitfaced and had no intention of joining me and Just-ICE for Huber's birthday party. I kept things reserved on Saturday night but Just-ICE had other ideas and kept feeding me booze. 'Take-It-To-The-Base' had also joined with his two younger brothers and the shots and booze kept on flowing like the Nile river. They uttered the words 'Sommar' and my face lit up but I knew I was shit faced and needed rest. I conjured the courage to plan the ultimate escape move and slipped them on route to Sommar using ScienceGirl as my shield. I still haven't heard from Just-ICE nor 'Take-It-To-The-Base' but I cant really blame them.

Oh and rest of The Crew is back from Riga and London. They had a marvelous time yet no stories can be disclosed due to the Privacy Act of 2010.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Colin out....

Monday, 10 September 2012

This is so not for me!

To this very day I still have no idea what came over me this past weekend to actually follow through with what I am about to share with you. Maybe it was my current financial situation(not like that has ever stopped me before). Or could it be the raging stomach ulcer that caused so much pain and agony that my house mate Scandalus called the medics? Hell maybe it was the fact that I could actually see and feel my liver throbbing and making pulsating like movements while I was in colossal discomfort. Whatever it was, I decided to have a quite weekend. Yes, you heard right! A quite weekend. Now as a 25 year old partykat with a reputation that puts most folk in stitches with laughter, this was something really intricate and difficult to do.

Believe me I live for partying and GOOD times so needless to say I felt like a psycho and serial killer in the making on Friday night. Sitting at home watching movies and playing PS3 just felt so weird. I could hear my inner voice of reason shouting and screaming to me like a mother screaming to her drowning son. It wasn't pretty. To this day I still do not know where I gathered the strength to decline a few phone calls and text messages for 'drinks' from. These calls and messages later turned to "dude are you okay, whats wrong" and "buddy are you dying, why aren't you out". Somehow trying to explain to people that you having a quiet weekend was a bigger task than I anticipated.

Waking up on Saturday morning without a hangover or NOT in some strange place I had no recollection of was very weird. That weird feeling felt good but was soon replaced with sadness as that little inner voice was back again. This time he was livid and furiously shouting at me "Let me out!". So I did just that. I went to support my friend at the Swedish National Cross fit Championship where they do NOT serve beer or any alcoholic beverage. Inner voice was not happy! A little side note:
*These competitions is NOT a pick up ground as these chicks are mean and they will kick your ass.
*Do not take your girl with you to this event! There is half naked men that look like they jumped off the cover of the GQ magazine. You will end up single or pretty soon your Mrs will start implementing new role play sex where you now have a different name every time she closes her eyes and pictures that dude pushing weights.

After the competition I went home and was soooo bored out of my mind I started cleaning the apartment. Once again, not something I would do out of necessity. This is more a task you only complete when you have a lady friend coming over for some red wine and coitus activity. I also couldn't have chosen a worse weekend as there was no football on the telly. I therefore had to ration my rugby, cricket and Formula 1 viewing like a British citizen in the 1940's. Not even the page turning thriller "Lolly Jackson" could shut up my inner voice. By Sunday I was totally lost and my inner voice was depressed and broken. I decided 'fuck it' and gave him a treat by watching the Formula 1 with a few 6 packs of ice cold Stella. He was happy.

Myself, Inner voice and 'ScienceGirl' then hit the streets on Sunday night. I told her about my utterly useless and dull weekend to which she made an interesting point; "there is enough time to do these things when you married with kids". Very true I would say because no bachelor/spinster is suppose to have quiet weekends. That was surely the last time I will ever endure a quiet weekend.

"Have we not all eternity to rest in? Why do we seek to rest while you are still alive?"

Colin out....

Friday, 31 August 2012

End of Summer Sale

As summer drastically comes to an abrupt end in Sweden, the festivals get less, outdoor pubs and parks are derelict, shorts and skirts are replaced with leggings and denims and the warm friendly smiles vanish. The end of summer is not all bad though, because with the end comes "sommar slut rea". This means end of summer sale in Swedish and should not only be confused with clothing and shopping sprees. Oh no my young thunderkatts, I was referring to 'the pull' over here. If you at this point still don't know what we referring to, please stop reading, do yourself a favor and subscribe to "Garden & Home" my friend.  

Just as with any last minute closing sale, there are a few things to be made aware of. Please allow me to elaborate and highlight two points:

*Be prepared for a lot of crazy people running around trying to grab(what they assume to be) the best deal.
*Avoid 'flashy and shiny' things. Try and look beyond the surface if you want something to last longer than the weekend.

But probably thee most important point I would say, have fun!!!! You can literally pick up 11 items for the price of one. The chance of getting buyers remorse is also eradicated by 'price over value' ratio. Always bear in mind that everyone else came with the same budget, however, you have been saving up and 'holding back'  the entire summer. Now it is your time young man!!! So to everyone that didn't capitalize on European Summer 2012, I say unto you my brethren, go forth and take sommar slut rea by the horns. As my beautiful people in South Africa would say "Feel it, it is here". Within that massive pile of items, there is a bargain and gem for you! However, if you only reading this on Monday, September 3rd, sorry buddy. You missed out on the sale of the year. Purchase a pair of Crocs, subscribe to Garden&Home and cry yourself to sleep.

Colin Out.......

Monday, 13 August 2012

Way Out West

Where do I even begin? If you haven't been to Way Out West yet, do yourself a favor and slap yourself in the face while evaluating your life and purpose. Apart from Tomorrowland, Way Out West is thee festival to be at. The lineup is average, the beer is expensive, festival food and regulations are horrendous, alcohol prohibition is extreme in the Nazi sense BUT the scenery is amazing! Imagine a conference of only beautiful people spanning over 4 days filled with expensive alcohol, late nights and strobe lights. Sure we enjoyed great acts and performances like Common, Miike Snow, Florence + the machine, De La Soul, Bon Iver, Gnucci, Spoek Mathambo and others but the highlight is the amazing talent. I'm sure that even if you were to stay in the same hotel as all the Miss Universe contestants, you still wouldn't be able to match the superior beauty and talent Göteborg offers during Way Out West

Everyone everywhere is sporting sunglasses but not necessarily to protect their eyes. Oh no my friend, this is for scouting or self-preservation reasons. Depending on your relationship status, one of those two options will suit you just fine. Then again, can your spouse/partner really be pissed at you for admiring the beauty around?  In the wise words of a great French man I know "c'est bon ca". The aforementioned French man literally lost his mind when he saw all the stunning ladies in the city

In church you always hear about how beautiful heaven and paradise is. How there is only lovely people, everyone is young, healthy and you feast forever. Well Way Out West is heaven because all of your dreams come true and the streets are lined with gold!  
I enjoyed it so much that the sad reality only struck me as I got on the train back home. I was still in party mode and thought that all the other passengers were too, besides, they still had their festival tags on. To my (not so surprised) amusement, they weren't. For this was the train back to Stockholm. Back to the beautiful unfriendly capital

Colin out....

Wednesday, 8 August 2012

Too Hot To Handle

Say what you want, but Swedish women are amongst the hottest and most beautiful women on planet earth. Yes, Yes, I know. Brazil blah blah blah Latin American, Eastern European blah blah blah. Yeah, I hear you BUT when you think 'high concentration of fine females in the same proximity' nothing beats Sweden. For this reason I personally think there is/was nothing wrong with Usain Bolt celebrating his 100m dominance with a few lovely Swedish ladies. Hell, if you are the greatest track athlete and fastest man on earth, you should be able to celebrate however you want.

I've been residing in Sweden for quite some time now and I can testify that women all over the country are not only breathtakingly beautiful. They are also well educated, informed and surprisingly friendly. I literally fall in love every day and the streets of Stockholm are packed with these stunning women, who are as tall as they are luscious. I can honestly say what you see on these typical commercials is true; Sweden really does have some of the worlds most beautiful women.

Just think of the first time you arrived in Sweden or visited here. That surreal realization that everything you ever heard is infact true. Think of how in shock and awe you were when you stepped into a 7-Eleven, Pressbyrån or local supermarket. You probably weren't sure whether you accidentally walked into a modeling agency or whether this was the casting or a set of a new reality TV show called "insanely hot models doing regular shit". Yes, I remember that feeling all too well.

Now I know you thinking "where is the catch?" Trust me, my old man always told me that when its too good to be true, it usually is. You see the price you pay for this exquisite beauty my dear obnoxious male friends, is castration.

Yes, you heard right. Castration and if you are lucky, maybe she will let you keep one of your testicles(eiers for my fellow Northern Suburbians back in The Great CPT). This is the price you pay if you dwell with the finest female specimen in the universe. Get used to a life of 'fokkol rights' because in all honesty, your opinion doesn't meant shit. But c'mon guys, do we really care about rights, opinions, individual traits, personality, our legacy and losing our dignity and manhood? Walk around in the streets of Stockholm and observe. You will find the answer.

With that said, I'm off to Göteborg for a week of debauchery with the lads....

Colin out......

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

CAUTION: Friend Zone Ahead

As Summer is in full affect over here in Sweden, I cant help but notice many of my fellow comrades and brethren falling and slipping into that dreaded Friend Zone. For those who are unaware of the Friend Zone(mostly guys who are oblivious to the truth), allow me to explain. The Friend Zone refers to an interpersonal relationship in which one individual(usually a guy) wishes to become romantically involved while the other individual would rather remain friends. From an outsiders perspective, it's a really really sad thing to view. It's far worse than watching a 9 car pile up involving a train and two heavy duty trucks in slow motion.

So how do you know when you in the Friend Zone? Luckily Colin has a list of a few phrases to watch out for. Maybe you have already heard these before in which case you need to evaluate your so called 'relationship' my young man:

  • "your such a good friend" 
  • "you're really a nice guy" 
  • "I can talk to you about anything" 
  • and my all time favorite is "you are like a brother to me"    
There are numerous other signs as well but those above mentioned phrases are red lights my good man. You should hit the eject button and bail while you can because your fighter jet has been blown to pieces by the friend zone missile. There are a few other tell tale signs as well. For example when she starts using 'bro language' or talks to you like a bro, the light is amber/orange and you need to slow down or speed up. This includes text message like "what are you doing dude" or "whats happening man" or "where you at bro". Just bail, save yourself the misery, embarrassment and torture of the friend zone and just move on.

Surely people claim that there are ways to get out of the Friend Zone, however, this is almost impossible. Just short of re-incarnation, you will literally have to undergo serious change. And for what? Some sexual encounter? A relationship that you probably will be unhappy in because you are now someone else that you magically morphed into? No No my comrades. There is no getting out of the Friend Zone. So my advise is just bail, write it off and move on. 

If you are lucky to be getting some nookie, well then good on you buddy because you doing it right! Friends with benefits is far better than friend zone. Just ensure that you are aware of the "kick in the teeth" later when she calls it quits for something "a little more serious" with someone else.  

Colin Out...