Sunday, 23 December 2012

Are you a cock blocker?

Cock blocking ourselves! 

I observed a young lad in the tunnelbana the other day who was clearly terrified when an absolutely breathtaking girl sat next to him. She clearly was begging and yearning for said young lad to just try and talk to her. She moved and "accidentally fell" vigorously within the motion of the train attempting to at least make body contact with this young lad but to no avail. You could see that he was clearly in pain and anguish as he was not only trying to hide his boner for this girl but somehow he couldn't just open his mouth and speak! "Say something dammit" I was shouting in my mind.

As this clearly very disappointed young girl exited the train, she turned around one last time to stare at the toolbox of a guy. A sad, sad sight indeed I tell you. 'Housemate' and I discussed this in depth as she also doesn't understand why guys don't just grow a pair and talk to girls/women over here. Why do you wait till you inebriated? Why do you confide yourself to online dating? As the great StreetKat would say, "why do you subject yourself to such ridicule?" Why do we cock block ourselves? Is it because Sweden is a slightly feminist country therefore scaring the shit outta every guy to a sense where he doesn't even want to look at a woman? Or does it have something to do with jantelagen perhaps? Google that if you not familiar with Swedish laws. 

Whatever the case may be, if the foundation has been laid, why doubt your building skills? She has already done all the hard work by flirting with her eyes or body gestures or in some cases a blatant obvious welcoming smile! So why are you scared? I really don't mean to brag but just for the record, I met 'ScienceGirl' on a bus! Yip, träffades på en buss! and I wasn't drunk! 

Groups of guys constantly spend their boy's night out cock blocking themselves with worry and lots of silly questions like:

*What do I say to her? 

*What if she doesn't like me? 

*How do I approach her? 

*When do I kiss her?

*When do I stick it in? 

*Should I jizz in the condom?

*My God should I even use a condom? 

*When is it the right time to pee on her? 

*Would I be weird if I ask her to finger my asshole?

Enough with the questions guys, you just cock blocking yourself with all that doubt. Grow a pair, go over to her and before you know it....

Colin Out....

Saturday, 15 December 2012

Xmas is here: Weekly tip on how to get laid

The Bumblebee 

After my brief description of Botham and LaFaille's advise on how to increase your chances on 'the pull' I must admit, I am pleasantly surprised at the response. Both from the ladies as well as from the katts out there. I therefore decided to incorporate both parties for this weeks hot tip, The Bumblebee! 

During this amazing summer, I had the privilege of seeing LaFaille's fellow countrymen and Olympic medalist 'Gaspard' in action. Man was this katt something special and different. Not only was he fluent in almost every language that the women were conversing in, he was also very entertaining and had the confidence of a midget with a 12 inch cock! 'Gaspard' obviously knew what his strengths and weaknesses were and surely capitalized on this. The aspect that surprised me the most was that his mates actually calls him 'The Bumblebee' 

Once again, for my ill-informed brethren out there, a bumblebee is a social insect that is important for pollinating plants that provide much of our food. They often visit numerous flowers exhibiting pollination syndrome. Like the bumblebee, 'Gaspard' also hop, skips and jumps from one flower to the next. He entertains them just long enough to keep them guessing but simultaneously short to ensure maximum results. Its like watching someone on a speed date that makes every single woman laugh and smile and leaves them with hope in their eyes. For all we know, 'Gaspard' could be telling the same damn jokes, stories or one liners all the damn time to each and every woman. 

I asked 'ScienceGirl' and 'TheeVanessa' about this phenomenon and surprise surprise they confirmed it! The Bumblebee is an actual thing! You see when doing this, you will make people wonder about you. They start asking themselves questions like "what is it about that guy that's got everyone captivated?" Once performed and actioned correctly, people will then actually start coming up to you because they are intrigued. It is vital at this point to not give away too much. "Women can see when you have that desperate look in your eyes" says ScienceGirl. "Once we sense the desperation, you already lost as we then have no further interest" she adds. 

From what I can gather, its actually very simple. 

*Do not talk to the same girl for longer than you suppose to. 

*Try and leave the conversation on a high and then politely excuse yourself. 

*Leave your desperate, crazy eye look at home because nobody likes drool. 

*Kissing is strictly forbidden as this automatically closes all your accounts and isolates you to the one that you just slapped lips with.  

If all else fails, revert to copious amounts of Vodka+RedBull, hit the dance floor and just let go. This is always a guaranteed winner as it usually leads to you waking up somewhere strange while some random girl whispers on the cellphone to her mate "OMG, I cant believe I got so drunk and slept with that dancefloor guy of last night"

Colin Out...

Saturday, 1 December 2012

Winter is Here: Weekly tip on how to get laid

Balls: Grow a pair or use the existing ones!  

I cant exactly tell you what the time is over here in Stockholm as darkness has crept in like a catholic priest in a little boys' room. I should say winter is coming but from the looks of it, winter is already here. I am unpleasantly surprised as I still encounter some brethren out there scavenging for some 'boodissy'. Clearly they did not understand the concept of sommar slut rea when I posted it earlier this fall. Why is this still happening? The last few weeks I've been observing these poor lads standing around the bar or dance floor in total awe of the T&A of these pretentious, wannabe socialites. I am further saddened by how my fellow brethren look on as douche bags quickly swarm these ratchet girls. The aforementioned Jersey Shore lookalike douche bags literally shower ratchet in a sea of attention that they eat up like a bulimic Östermalm girl at a Mongolian buffet. As the night comes to an end, the awkward and dismayed observers go home alone to pleasure themselves whilst listening to classical music. Why is this happening to the brethren out there? I consulted with the great 'LaFaille' and 'Botham' to share some insight on how we can help these brethren. I surely cannot share my secret and tips on how I landed my dime piece hence I am stealing LaFaille and 'Botham's tips. 

As with any other Crew meeting, there was copious amounts of liquor involved. 'ScienceGirl' is starting to think that these so called 'meetings' are just gatherings for us to get shit faced and has nothing to do with helping the single guys out there. Be that as it may, I can't exactly remember what was said or what the main tip or instruction was(obviously because we were trashed), but I did get a transcript of the conversation. I would attach the sound clip but 'LaFaille' does not want his voice on the internet. Something about him "already having too much women and don't want unnecessary attention because of his French accent", I can't remember, like I said, I was wasted.  

LaFaille: you know what guy, that entire debacle that you just explained now could of have been averted if those poor onlookers just made a fucking move! 
Botham: true true! The ladies love a guy with balls! 
LaFaille: precisely! In this ever growing metro sexual global village, it's very hard to find katts with balls these days. 
Colin: yeah it is kinda borderline extinct and very high on the endangered species list. 
Botham: I mean even if you don't have your nutsack intact for whatever reason, at the very least fake it! By the time she realizes that you missing one ball or even both, she's laying in your bed, looking at the ceiling wondering why she doubted you in the first place. 
LaFaille: wait; hold on, why would you be missing your damn nutsack??? 
Botham: you know the usual shit. Your ex took them when she castrated you and turned you into a little puppy or some dudes just lack self-belief and constantly doubt themselves, such shit man! 
LaFaille: aight. The main thing is just to grow a pair, go over and just introduce yourself. Be confident but not arrogant and just play it cool. 
Botham: exactly! Play it cool. Don't cling on to her like she's your favorite jerkoff pillow. Just a quick 'hi there' like Colin does, a quick 10 second chat and walk away. 
Colin: dude why would you disclose my game like that? 
LaFaille: *laughing hysterically* Dude everybody knows your game! 
Botham: true! 
LaFaille: but you also need to make her wonder about you. So when you do talk to her, look her dead in the eyes! Do not and I repeat, DO NOT look or even glare at her booty, boobs, belly ring, nothing! Don't even drop your eyes below her neckline.
Botham: word! Because now she will wonder why aren't you looking at her boobs or under her skirt seeing that she is going commando and this makes her nervous.
Colin: preach! It also sets you apart from all the other affliction-clad toolboxes that has been hounding her all night.  
LaFaille: yip. Besides, if you make a move with solid platinum balls and she rejects you, she either has a boyfriend or is into girls. Either way, you're a winner.
Botham: how the hell is that winning? 
LaFaille: you got your nutsack back so you now have the confidence to carry on and build from there. 
Colin: yeah I suppose alotta katts constantly cock block themselves on nights out with all that doubt and disbelief in their minds. 
Botham: fucken A bro! There is too much katts out there doubting themselves which only gets in the way of introducing yourself, taking her back to yours, ripping her clothes off and fucking the shit out of her. It's just that simple! 
LaFaille: hold on, I don't shag girls at my place dude. I take them back to theirs! 

this pic has nothing to do with this post, its just damn funny

I cant remember the rest of the conversation but the morale of the story is 'Grow a pair'. As I head out into the night, I sincerely hope my fellow brethren heed the call and take action tonight! I do not want to see any single brothers out there doubting themselves. But be careful, don't get too arrogant or else you will fall into the douche bag category.  

Colin out....