Sunday, 29 January 2017

My fall from grace

Have you ever wondered why you don't see small little watches for infants(even as accessories)? That's because kids literally have zero concept of time. People always claim to give "zero f*cks" but I firmly believe that title goes to kids. They truly don't give a single f*ck about you nor their own damn appointments they need to be at and I love it! It is very admirable. 

 Just toggling between Mini-me's food schedule, slotting in play dates, attending öppna förskolan(its basically creche for kids that's not eligible for creche yet), clinic appointments, shopping for food and occasionally cleaning the apartment to look somewhat less crackish, there is hardly time for nut busting. Maybe this is why most single dads are more jacked up than a juiced katt in SATS(the gym) over here. 

But as I mentioned before, you have to admire children's concept of time. You may wonder, what does time have to do with the title "my fall from grace" but stick with me and allow me to explain...

Just over 4 months ago, my life was at the point of "Self Actualization". Now for those of you not so familiar with Maslow's hierarchy of needs, I have added a picture instead to illustrate. 
I had reached the peak of life and had the esteem, confidence, courage, love and achievement to conquer anything. In my mind, I was busy preparing for life in the forest with my little family and starting to embrace the upcoming life of suburbia. Little did I know that the wheels of destruction and annihilation has already been put in motion on my so-called happy life. I must of been totally oblivious to all the signs that a colossal crash was about to occur. Its probably all that nut busting that made me blind. Nonetheless, fast forward to the present moment and I am all the way at the bottom of the hierarchy on "Physiological Needs" now. It was not a gentle fall so needless to say that many wounds needs to be healed right now. This is where time comes in and why I wish I had a kids perception and ideology of time. 

I understand that sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand back up taller than you ever were but that is easier said than done. 

Who knows, maybe one day when time has healed all the wounds, I will be able to drive past the house in the forest that could've been and just laugh at all of this. Hopefully the new owners wont call the cops because of the non-Caucasian male with big hair driving and lurking past their home with a binoculars and box of tissues. If any of you thunderkatts out there know how to speed up time, holla at your boy! 

Barry IN

Tuesday, 17 January 2017

Train Lengths Apart

On a Friday night whilst alone, I got a sheer glimpse of what lies ahead for me in the single life. I was sitting at a window facing table eating fresh homemade carbonara with avo on the side. Sipping some red wine and listening to late night jazz on Spotify, I thought to myself "damn this avo goes great with carbonara". The second thought that crossed my mind was "dude, its Friday night. You alone anyway, you might as well go out". 

Yip, like the latest evil Kermit memes making the rounds, I also have this inner demon that I need to hush from time to time. So, instead of going out, I opened my books instead. I really chose the tough route this semester and with everything already in turmoil around me, I selected Criminal Law and Penology just to enlarge my brown hole even more.

So while going through my course material instead of giving in to my inner demon, I stumbled upon an ironic piece of writing. I cant paraphrase it as its already perfect in its original form so here goes "If a father gives his naughty child a moderate hiding in order to discipline him, or a policeman gets hold of a criminal on the run by knocking him to the ground in a tackle, their respective acts are not unlawful, and they will therefore not be guilty of assault, despite the fact that these acts comply with the definitional elements of the crime assault.
Wait what??? Firstly, If anyone even tries that crap in the Nordics you are probably looking at 2-5 years in jail. And that is just the poor policeman. You do not want to know what prison sentence awaits you if you dare touch your kid over here. Sure, rapists gets to go free and maybe get a slap on the wrist or worst case, 12 months in prison BUT don't you dare discipline your kid over here. 

Now, stick with me here, the extract is from a South African Criminal Law textbook and is only applicable in Southern Africa. Do not get me twisted, I will never discipline Mini-me the way we were disciplined back home. If anything, she disciplines me! And should anyone even think of disciplining my Mini-me, I will probably write the follow up blog post from a Swedish jail cell. 

The point I was trying to make is that myself and SnowFlake come from contrasting worlds and our entire existence is train lengths apart. You literally have someone from the southern tip of Africa now living in one of the most northern countries in the world. Our background, upbringing, infrastructure, values, mentality, beliefs, struggles and principles are contradicting on almost every level. Is it then that strange that we broke up? Also, why don't they serve avocado with carbonara? That shit is delicious! 

Barry IN

Friday, 6 January 2017

Parental Leave

So the first week of pappaledig has come and gone. Both myself and Mini-me is still alive and healthy so that is a good sign. I can say that pappaledig is not as easy as you may think. You need to be mentally and emotionally in tune with both your star player and your spirit animal! Don't be fooled by all the paternity leave books out there. No 2 kids are alike! As I have now become accustomed to my new aroma of baby poop, pee and drool, I began to wonder, how do those mall mommies manage to look so good? Their hair is done, nails done, clothes is clean, heels on and make up on point. Yet I look like death twice over, it surely is a mystery to me. 

Thus far our routine has been Mini-me waking up at about 07h30ish and me only really waking up at 08h00. At this point Mini-me has already gone from 0 to 100 real quick so water and porridge needs to be served ASAP or else tantrums will be thrown. Once we've finished our food fight in the kitchen leaving the area looking like absolute crap, we make our way to the play room for fun, laughter and just general mischievous shit she cant get away with when her mom is around. Most of which usually entails Mini-me tearing shit up, biting me or trying to stuff her toys into my ears, nose or mouth. 
According to the baby book, I am suppose to let her take a mid morning nap but trying to get Mini-me to sleep is like trying to get the KKK to accept black membership. 

After much tears being shed and tantrums thrown(mainly by me), she eventually dozes off in my arms. Whether she does this out of pity for me or not, its a welcoming snooze nonetheless. At this point I figure 'fuck yeah, now I can do something constructive' But sanity prevails and while Mini-me is fast asleep, I rather start prepping her mellanmål(mid day snack) and lunch. After that is done, I think I can sneak in a shower to wash my ailing and rancid crack but to no avail. The devil has arisen and stands up straight in her cot like Dracula awakening from his long nap, thirsty!!! 

There will be no crack washing today, or at least not until reinforcements arrive to relieve me from my Daddy Daycare duties. After my first week of doing this, all I can say is: Salute! Salute to all the moms out there doing their thing and still maintaining their sanity. Salute to all the dirty dads out there. I see you covered in all types of body excrement. And if you a single parent and doing this... pass that woman/man a bells! You deserve it! 

Barry IN (in his purse moeg as well but oh so worth it).

Monday, 2 January 2017

Moving start to 2017

On The Move Again 

Man I thought 2016 started rough but boy does 2017 come with a unique set of challenges! All sideline projects and mini goals need to be set aside for the main goal which is: Secure a place to call home for myself and Mini-me. Sounds easier said than done but ask any immigrant in Stockholm, it's not that easy. Coming from Africa we do not have the financial infrastructure, support and old money that the locals possess. Matter of fact, majority of us still need to send a percentage back home because that is just how redistribution of the wealth works. But, I digress, let me not bore you with the details of The Black Curse and the unfair playing ground. 

After being told to get up from my knees as that is not the way to secure a home loan(get your mind outta the gutter, I was begging not blowing), I left my bank slightly depressed. Yet still had a little joy in knowing that when I do return with the deposit years from now, they probably wouldn't remember me. Don't get me wrong, I do not want a Nkandla style estate like my boy Jacob. I just require something small, safe and cozy for myself and Mini-me. 

Speaking of Jacob, option 2 of joining the dark forces would sound enticing but I don't think Mini-me would like visiting her dad behind bars. So we return to the drawing board for an amicable solution. The separation laws/rights for common law partners in Sweden is tricky yet straightforward. Everything is based around Mini-me requiring a stable home. With that said, SnowFlake and I are trying to go about this break up in the most civil and courteous manner. This in itself is obviously challenging for a brother from the Cape Flats but, so far so good. 

Barry IN

Friday, 23 December 2016

2016 What a Year!

Roller coaster 2016 

My oh my, what a year this has been! It kicked off with my very own mini-me gracing us with her presence. I have been meaning to introduce Her Excellency Mini-me for nearly 10 months now. The sheer delay in posting anything should give you a sense of how jam packed parenthood is. Mini-me is definitely the highlight of my year and life so I will save you the cliques that all new parents post. 

Among the other notable highlights was landing my dream gig, the homies finally coming over to the EU, not wearing Crocs, ending my 2nd year in Criminology with distinction, whipping LaFaille in FIFA, meeting my little nephew and fulfilling my childhood dream of going to Old Trafford! 

But hey, it hasn't just been all rosy and lavender scented farts. I also got my ass kicked in a 10km race by a bunch of young thunderkatts who referred to me as 'old man' as they passed me by. Scandalus Mandalus schooled me on the squash court and Kanye had a mental breakdown on stage. However, the most devastating of all came at the scrotum of 2016 with SnowFlake and myself parting ways. "We decided" that it is in everyone's best interest that we choose this path. Harsh? I have no words and neither is this the forum to discuss that. My only goal right now and into 2017 and beyond is to be the best dad and human being I can be for Her Excellency Mini-me. 

From the bleachers, I hear the rumblings and murmurs of 'coming back wearing the 45' but remember, even the G.O.A.T took 2 years. Time heals all wounds... oh and Dettol! Time and Dettol...

"In the end, it will all be well" Mother Dearest

"Stay Strong my brother" LukeyMagz 

Barry IN

Tuesday, 1 September 2015

Stay tuned for the next episode

I've been contemplating for a while now on whether to migrate this to a new site. A great deal has endured and taken place since my last blog post. The parents were over to visit and experienced some great Swedish traditions such as Sommar rain, Swedish summer, Swedish safety and just the all-round beauty and magnificence that Sweden possess. We were a tad bit nervous upon their arrival and blew a massive sigh of relief when we saw them pass the gates at Arlanda terminal 5. Most of the anxiety was due to whether my ou' G would make it through. He is the kinda pops that will go and tell the pilot to slow the plane down because "you are going to fast young man". Tough as nails my Ou' G and never backs down for anyone. So needless to say, we were happy when they allowed him in the country. Tack Sverige! 

As we toured Sweden with my parents, I also toured with my books. Yip, I am a student now. Pursuing my dream of studying Criminology with a major in Psychology. You can of course see how this confuses my friends as my life advice always revolves around music, sexy time and the occasional nut busting. I admit, my advice and logic is not conventional but with everything going on around us, clearly the classical methodologies are not working. It is time for a radical approach and maybe just maybe I can string together some great theories linked to sexy time, nut busting and world peace. 

Stay tuned for the next episode as we hitting Vienna soon for our annual basketball match up. Those Austrian thunderkatts sure are suckers for punishment and clearly must have amnesia to have forgotten that last ass whippin' we gave them. Alas, we will go to the VIE again and hang out with the homies and ball because apparently ball is life. 

Isaacs IN!

Thursday, 28 May 2015

What happens in Vegas follows you forever

We all know that famous saying, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" bad news kids, it doesn't! In this day and age of social media slavery, nothing stays in Vegas and everything will come back to bite you in the ass numerous times. Whether its a bad credit record as a result of bottle poppin' and model droppin' or herpes or even just the realization that you a dumb ass for dropping out of Uni, it will come back to haunt you.

Luckily for me I skipped the herpes part but am a 'victim' of the former. I remember in 2012 I wrote a post stating that you should "party within your financial lane" but clearly never took my own advice. So 3 years on let me rewrite that post with some amendments:

1. Save! Save! Save! 
Yes we heard this before and booooo its boring and redundant I know, but trust me young thunderkatts, save! Even if you put away just 15% of your monthly salary every pay day, you will reap the rewards 5,10,15 years down the line. 

2. Leave the credit cards for the rappers and ballers. 
Let go of that desire for that Black American Express card unless you come up with a catchier phrase than "Im inlove with the CoCo". Cut up that credit card and party within your financial lane. Soon you wont even know that you missing it. 

3. Stay in school. 
If you in University or College and even thinking of "maybe I should take a break" or "I can finish this later", stop right there, slap yourself with a cactus and stay in school! Education is the most powerful tool you will ever need. Apart from that prized possession between your legs, Education is the ONLY other 'organ' that opens doors. 

As I currently embark on a new journey and hustle path due to 'unforeseen' and historical circumstances, I cant help but reflect back on my previous errors and hope that other young thunderkatts do not make the same mistakes. Save money, leave the credit and stay in school my brethren. And remember, whats happens in Vegas, stays on Facebook and YouTube forever and your offspring will want to know why daddy is snorting something out of Uncle Jimmy's butthole. 

Isaacs still looking.....

ps. don't forget to hook a brother up, its harsh out here in the EU. Also for more financial guidance on what NOT to do, feel free to contact me for complimentary tips on how not to make dumb ass decisions. 

Isaacs out for real....