Saturday, 27 October 2012

Different Levels of Drunk

With the weekend in full force and everybody out and about shouting YOLO because they are a 'Thousan-aire' for a week, It is my duty to educate my fellow brethren on the levels of drunk. Please note that these levels apply to me and my conditioning for handling liquor. As sure as Black Baby Jesus made everyone unique(or so they say), these levels should not be applied to anyone else. I can not be held responsible for any liver or kidney complications resulting in trying to keep up with me. Without further a due, lets go through the 5 levels of Drunk so that you know in which mood to approach me when out and about during weekends.

Like breathing, buzzed comes naturally. I usually reach this level after 2 or 3 six-packs of Stella while playing some PS3 or watching football on the telly. Nothing exciting happens when one is buzzed however, it is the gate way to the next level. A mere phone call or text message literally becomes inspiration when you are buzzed. All of a sudden your 'quiet night' playing PS3 or with the lady now evolved into 'lets hit the streets'.

You are now entering the twilight zone. Drinking games all of a sudden are an awesome idea and you have a crazy craving to beat the cinnamon challenge or try the reverse tequila shot. It is at this point that any normal person should be heading for the safety and solitude of their bed to rest and recover. But we are not normal are we? Nope. Alcohol is courage in a bottle so instead, we keep the liquor flowing to reach that next level. 

Is also known as 'hammered' for my non-Afrikaans speaking brethren. By now you firmly believe that you are a rap star/ball player and you only ordering drinks by the bottle. You are way too cool for glasses as well so you drinking straight from the bottle. No female is unattainable in your eyes and Clark Kent haven't got shit on you, let alone King Kong! Any music is great music and you find yourself dancing lasciviously to Dubstep. In your mind, a crowd has gathered around you to watch and learn as you literally float across the dance floor with your slick moves. Seriously, you should head home... But you don't! "The night is only a fetus" you proclaim to your onlookers and you insist that nobody should leave because things are about to get crazy. 


I usually get to this level at sporting events for the mere reason that it is always on a Saturday. By then I literally just leave wherever I am and continue to drink. An example of 'Motherless drunk' comes to mind when my good friend StreetKat literally scooped me up one fine Saturday morning from a party I had attended since the Thursday. After a shower and quick clothing change, we started cracking bottles and were on our way to my beloved Newlands, home to the best rugby team on planet earth. I was so smashed that StreetKat literally had to feed me but after copious Vodka+RedBulls, I was back on my stride again. It is at this point that my courage is sooo high, you would swear that I was on cocaine. But its not, that's just my awesomeness kicking in to 6th gear. We quickly gathered a massive crowd due to new songs and anthems with dance moves that I had taught the fans outside the stadium. Being in the state that I was, I didn't even notice that my mates had written my contact details in case of emergency on my body with a permanent marker. I cant remember much of that day but I do remember pissing off some dude because I was insulting and making fun of his girlfriend. Apparently they weren't related but I wouldn't take no for an answer. As darkness crept up on us, I insisted that I drive back home because according to me 'Everyone is too drunk'. 'DelMorris' quickly proved that statement by trying to reverse his car into a fence. Still, they wouldn't let me drive because trust me, if you knew me, you wouldn't either. 


This is the one level I do not want to reach ever again. You know when you wake up in the morning thinking 'How did I get here?' or 'why am I still alive?'... Yeah, that's Colin Drunk. I can tell you about how I woke up in a forest with deer surrounding me. I can even top that with a story of waking up in Copenhagen after a night of debauchery in Stockholm. However, one specific story sticks and its been told to me by 'Botham' and numerous others. That's the disadvantage with Colin Drunk, you don't remember shit! Your eyes are open but there is nothing going on. On one fine summers day, we were all out having a bbq and getting shit faced on Vodka+RedBulls, whiskey, red wine, rum and brandy. This obviously led to Colin Drunk at which point I was chatting with 'GirlA' and cracking jokes. Once again, this is according to 'Botham' who claims that I slapped 'GirlB' on the ass. I then proceeded to inform her that "you can be lucky i'm going home with 'GirlA' or else you would've gotten this good dick". I looked 'GirlB' dead in her eye, did my famous *HUH* grunt and walked away. I then asked 'MoustacheGuy' if he gets fucked in his face often seeing that he looks like a vagina. He didn't find this amusing at all but his girlfriend did so I rather conversed with her. Here is the funny thing about Colin Drunk, I never go home with any of the ladies I talk to. I always end up passed out on a park bench, forest, train, bus or apartment hallway. The true miracle is that I wake up with my face and body parts intact. The Drinking Gods must surely love their favorite son because nobody has ever yet bashed my face in with all the insults I dish out. 

I am glad that Colin Drunk is retired and will no longer make public appearances. Since I started dating 'ScienceGirl' there is no reason for such tomfoolery and ridicule. So I guess there is only 4 levels then huh? 

Colin Out....

Thursday, 25 October 2012

Meet The Parents

There are a few things more scarier and terrifying to a ThunderKatt. Bear in mind that it takes a lot to make a true ThunderKatt nervous. Jail and the police? nah. Unemployment and being broke? hell, we wrote the manual on how to survive that. However, meeting the parents, that's right up there alongside prostate and rectal examination. Damn, I'm even sweating just typing this...

Last week I had the fun and stressful ordeal of meeting the 'ScienceGirl' clan. Yip! brother, sister and parents so you can only imagine the nerves of steel I required. From the feedback and response I was given, I apparently did a sterling job and was well impressive. This comes to me as a massive shock because I think I had a horrendous meet and at times literally just wanted to crawl into Mother Earth and die. With all of that said and done, I decided to help you fellow up and coming ThunderKatts with some helpful tips and guides on what NOT to do.


For the love of God and Black Baby Jesus, never ever be late! Rather be standing there waiting with flowers 1 hour before the agreed time but don't be late. My dumb ass got lost and couldn't find the Opera house(yes, we went to the Opera with her family). Needless to say I was then sweating like a Kenyan Olympic athlete who just completed the 3000m final due to all the running around. Do not be late.


You can never, ever, ever go wrong with a lovely tailored suit. My dumb ass thought I would go retro/vintage with mustard chino's, a fitted shirt and knitwear. That might sound okay but bear in mind we went to the Opera and it was raining. Rain and mustard chino's don't go well together.


By now you obviously know that 'ScienceGirl' is Swedish so obviously her mother tongue is Svenska. With my smart ass not being able to speak Swedish, this automatically places me on the back foot. Don't let this happen to you too. Learn the language fool, its not that hard.(I've since been attending Swedish classes on the regular). Yip, 'ScienceGirl' sooo hot make a brother wanna learn Swedish.


As we were at an Opera performance, I needed to dig deep into the memory bank and recall conversations and interactions with my boy Luthando Qave. This did benefit me a bit as I could at least have a meaningful conversation with Mrs 'ScienceMom'. Score!

All in all, above all my mistakes and mishaps, I apparently did well according to 'ScienceGirl' so I am happy. With another jam packed weekend on the horizon, I still need to fill you in on LaFaille and CrayZee's parties. So stay tuned, updates to follow.

Colin Out...

Friday, 12 October 2012

Do ThunderKatts retire or just retreat?

This question has been hovering around in my subconscious for quite some time now. And seeing that 'winter is coming' I cant help but ponder on it some more. Obviously the answer is pretty simple if you a Party Kat in Sweden, then yes, you hibernate. If you in a relationship, then obviously you are forced to say yes too(just make sure your Mrs isn't standing behind you before you dare answer no and acting all manly). But what if you a real ThunderKatt? I'm not talking about these young bloods running around acting a fool and just being ignorant. I'm talking about old school ThuderKatt. At this point if you asking what is the criteria for ThunderKatt? Please stop reading and a) continue playing World of Warcraft while your insanely HOT Mrs is getting ready for a night out with the ladies. b) try stealing your testicles from your partner/spouse's handbag. I'm sure its rolling around next to the vanity mirror and lipstick.

ThunderKatts back in the day
What do we do? I'm asking because I also don't know. You see in 2011 my motto was "Because I Can" and that led to many a great night and some insane memories but also total destruction and ruin at times. Before that, in 2010, I think we all adapted the "feel it, it is here" motto and that too had its ups and downs. For the latter part of 2012 I have dropped "YOLO" and gone for "Moments" which has been working wonders thus far. More than wonders I should add but that's for another day.  

new motto???
With me not going to The Great CPT for my annual summer break with The Lad Fraternity in December, I'm really asking all the brothers out there, what do you do over here in Europe in winter? I've seen so many fellas going into hibernation and becoming depressed during this period. I sincerely do not wish for that to happen. What do the real ThunderKatts do? With all that being said, I'm off to a Knife Party concert with 'ScienceGirl' because retirement is not an option. 

Colin out....

Tuesday, 9 October 2012

Vienna Nights....

Myself and KingKenny set off on a reconnaissance mission to Vienna, Austria last week on a 7 day expedition. As we have been to this city before with ElectroSeb, we had high expectations. Upon arrival the Sunday afternoon, I rung up KingKenny who had already checked in to our hotel as he flew in fresh from Barcelona. He informed me that we staying in a pimped out boutique hotel and boy was he right! I've never received better service at any hotel thus far. Much respect and big ups to Steigenberger Hotel Herrenhof.
We started walking around in the city and whilst amazed and stunned by the cities beauty and architecture, I was saddened by the night life. You see for a young thunderkatt from Cape Town, Sunday Sundowner sessions is a must and vital for any city. I frantically called all my Viennese people but to no avail. When I managed to get a muster of response, they all merely mumbled that they are recovering and hungover as hell. "This is going to be a long week" I told KingKenny as we headed back to the hotel to ransack the mini bar.

Monday started off gently as "Roos Dookin" and his crew took us to Fridays for dinner and drinks. He explained why nobody responded on Sunday but to me that still didn't make sense. As his explanation was ringing around in my head, I experienced something that doesn't happen in Sweden. The waiter just came and dropped a few round of drinks and said "this is on the house guys". Needless to say this led to more of those and we ended off the night at some Irish pub. Clearly hanging with "Roos Dookin" and his crew had its perks. Still being tired and not wanting to overexert ourselves, we jumped to the opportunity of dinner at Gabreezi and his Mrs place on Tuesday. He definitely upgraded as he has a stylish and retro new apartment in a great district.

Wednesday was the day/night I was actually looking forward to the most. "Roos Dookin" had hyped up this club so much, I was like a kid on Christmas eve. We started out first with dinner and drinks at CoachAwesome's favorite restaurant. Coincidentally it was filled with Arsenal fans so I kept my opinion to myself as I was clearly outnumbered here. Myself and KingKenny went back to the hotel to get ready for the club but he had to retire as the battle with flu had taken its toll on him. I set out and met "Roos Dookin" and his sidekick as we walked to what look like a hot dog stand. I knew it wasn't a hot dog stand because why would all these beautiful people queue all dressed up for hot dogs.

It turns out this club, Passage, used to be a pedestrian underpass that was empty for many years before being turned into one of the hottest bar and night clubs in the world(Yeah I said it)... The lighting and decor is trendy and very posh. The sound is amazing and the bar staff mixes a mean cocktail. We went straight into the V.I.P section with "Roos Dookin" and his sidekick. I could immediately tell that he goes there a lot. This was clearly evident as one barman offered us some kick ass drinks on sheer sight. Roos asked if I had ever encountered 'ratchet' women to which I obviously replied 'No'. He laughed and saw this as a clear opportunity to demonstrate this to me by ordering bottles of vodka and red bulls. Immediately we were swarmed and surrounded by females who started grinding vigorously like their life depended on it. Roos just laughed and shouted 'Now that is ratchet'. I left the V.I.P area to explore the rest of the club and not be treated like some drinks provider. Hell, I work damn hard for my money and I already have 'ScienceGirl' so no thanks 'girl that is grinding for drinks'. Colin don't roll like that.
I was pleasantly surprised that 'ratchet' and pretentious douche was only 20% of the Passage crowd. With that thought in mind, I lost myself in the music and hit the dance floor. I must of been dancing for quite some time because when I got back to our area, "Roos Dookin" had gotten more drinks. I am not entirely sure how we got home but the next morning "Roos Dookin" woke up in our hotel.
By Thursday, all I wanted was just to come back to Stockholm and relax with 'ScienceGirl' but that dream was quickly crushed. You see in Vienna, Thursday is called Thirstday and myself and KingKenny were invited to BarItalia for mojito's and caipirinha's with AustrianChick and her entourage. The night started out mellow and very relaxed. However, it ended with myself and KingKenny finding our way to the dance floor and me being put in a cab back to the hotel as I was unable to speak German.

By Friday I was once again thankful that AustrianChick invited us to dinner and drinks at her place as I surely needed a relaxing evening. She clearly is in the wrong industry as she whipped up a superb 3 course dinner from scratch and sent me on a mission to get some sturm, an Austrian wine to complement the dinner. I was quickly kidnapped by KingKenny and "Roos Dookin" and they lured me; very easily I may add; to a local basketball game with beer. We returned to AustrianChick's apartment just in time for dinner as all her guests had arrived and she quickly forgave my incompetence with shots of austrian schnapps. We left dinner just after midnight to hook up with "Roos Dookin" and his crew at Fragezeichen(which means Question mark in English). I once again realized that this was his mates club as our seating area was reserved and quickly filled with vodka and red bulls.

What happen after the 3rd bottle of vodka I cannot for the life of me remember but I know I had a self induced heart attack and brain aneurysm the next day when checking my bank statement. Apparently, and this is according to "Roos Dookin" and receipts found in my wallet, we went to some place called Volksgarten where I too wanted to pop bottles and live the Roos Dookin lifestyle. Listen and learn from me people, stay in your financial lane! The Roos Dookin lifestyle is not for everybody! I am part of that everybody!

After a quick brunch on Saturday morning, I was suppose to meet up with 'CameraChick' to attend a video shoot. 'CameraChick' is a young and talented photographer with a lot of insight in the Vienna culture and scenes. Needless to say I was confused when I arose from the hangover of hell to find out I missed our appointment. In true Colin fashion I just shrugged my shoulders and figured "ah well, next time" and continued drinking.
If only I could remember the rest of Saturday, I would honestly tell you about it. However, for the life of me, I really cant. On Sunday morning myself and KingKenny set off to the airport. The city was dead and derelict. Not a single person in sight and it was already 9 in the morning. I was baffled and stunned but soon realized why exactly a week before, I was in the same situation unaware of why Vienna sleeps on a Sunday.

The extent of my party ways only dawned on me when I ordered sushi with 'ScienceGirl' back in Stockholm. My card was declined but once again, in true Colin fashion, I always have a back up card LOL. I ended off a perfect week with sushi, perfect football and a perfect woman. Life is good.

Colin Out...