Sunday, 30 September 2012

Alcohol is not for everyone...

As my great friend Reesie would say, "drank is nie iets wat jy op jou edgars kaart moet koop nie" She basically implies that alcohol is not something everyone should have access too. This is a well known phenomenon yet not something most people abide too. We tend to over indulge and drink ourselves to a paraplegic stooper. Why do we do this you ask? Well I can't speak for the rest of society but I partake in this habit because I am a) unselfish b) contributing to economic growth and job creation. You see my fellow thunderkatts, when I crack that beer or pop that bottle, I don't think about my liver or kidneys. Oh no, I think about all those employees in the liquor industry that depends on me to secure their job and future. They need me to put their kids through school, pay their bond, cover bills and put food on that newly bought IKEA dinner table. So I unselfishly sacrifice my liver and kidneys to ensure the well being of others unknown to me.  
ScienceGirl made sure Botham finishes his shots
With that said, it was 'Botham' last weekend in Stockholm. Being the prolific and flamboyant individual that he is, he was scooped up for a permanent move to the London office. This obviously meant The Crew needed one last debauchery filled evening. In true 'Botham' fashion, he suggested we head to the new Scandic Grand Central for drinks and 'whatever happens' next. I arrived there shortly after 17h00 with the entire Crew already getting their sippy sippy on. The place was packed with beautiful people of all genres, age and ethnicity. It was a perfect set up. The order of the day was obviously to get 'Botham' as motherless drunk as possible. By 20h00 we had run through copious amounts of gin, vodka, beer, rum and the drinks just kept coming. By 21h00 I was steaming and started to get worried because 'ScienceGirl' was on her way and I was beyond hammered already. I contemplated buying some water but LukeyFiasco and Just-ICE smacked sense in to me and I realized that is against The Crew code.  

When 'ScienceGirl' arrived, I was Colin-Drunk and my inner voice had to be the responsible person. I focused and concentrated so hard on being sober and getting other people on my level of inebriation that I completely missed the fact that she was also well on a level of intoxication. The night just got better and better and even 'BigSexy' 'LeGrange' and 'Scandalous' rocked up. At this point you really don't want to know how many vodka+pineapple and gin+ginger ale we had gone through already. 'LaFaille' kept them coming, 'Just-ICE' racked up shots of sambuca and tequila and 'Take-It-To-The-Base' made sure the beers were flowing like an endless stream. We all were royally fucked yet everyone kept their pose and this was our greatest demise. 

Eventually after 03h00 somebody came up with a brilliant idea of heading to another club. I then used this to conjure up an escape plan for 'Botham' who was not only motherless drunk but couldn't even spell his own name, let alone think straight. 'ScienceGirl' hinted that we hit the club too but she would be fine to go home as well. I made an executive decision and chose the latter. With The Crew still debating on which club to overthrow, I snuck 'Botham' and his lady companion away into a cab. Myself and 'ScienceGirl' then took abuse from The Crew for allowing 'Botham' to get away.
With their focus on clubbing, we decided to pull a Houdini ourselves and slipped into a cab. The moment we hit the seats, 'ScienceGirl' was out like a candle. I'm still not sure who was more inebriated but I think I won as I was at least able to speak. She could hardly mumble her address to the cab driver which had me in tears of laughter much to her frustration. I now know what it must be like when people have to look after me when I get Colin-Drunk. Thank you 'Sciencegirl' as that was a world first for me. As I am typing this on board a flight to Vienna, I still haven't heard from half of The Crew. 'Botham' is alive though, that much I know and can confirm. 

Colin out....

Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Star Struck? Nah!

As a young lad that is crazy about football, when Super Sunday approaches, I usually have two mildly raucous evenings just before the big day. This way, I can enjoy Super Sunday in the best possible position and condition; wasted, hungover and paralytic. For those lost souls that have a question mark on their face about Super Sunday, please hand in your man card and give your other testicle to your partner/wife/spouse as well.  
The Drinking and Super Sunday Gods must have decided to bless their favorite son as my weekend could not have started any better. I was offered box tickets by 'ScienceGirl' to a local football match between Djurgården and BK Häcken. In my mind, this was perfect. I've been to numerous rugby matches in the private suites courtesy of 'WhiteRhino' and 'StreetKat' back in Cape Town. So I was gearing up for a night filled with debauchery, beer, liquor and of course football. However, to my somewhat expected surprise, this was not the case. Remember, we are in Sweden people! 

The food was excellent and divine, there was no strong liquor and the beer was watered down to a non-efficacious 3,5%. I didn't care because I got to spend more time with 'ScienceGirl' who happens to like football as well. I kinda felt like the title to Wiz Khalifa's new album, O.N.I.F.C because I quickly noticed that I was the only brother of pigment up in there. Still, I couldn't be bothered. Then out of my peripheral vision I saw a familiar face. I kept thinking to myself "hold on a minute, I know this dude" and then it struck me. This was Patrick Vieira! According to 'ScienceGirl'(and I cant confirm this), I went so pale that I actually blended in with my fellow Caucasian brothers. She obviously found this amusing and said it reminded her of the time she met Dennis Rodman. I finally built up the courage to go over to him after numerous watered down beers and was pleasantly surprised. He is actually a cool and calm dude and nothing like the aggressive Vieira vs Keane battles we used to see. 

Saturday proved a different kettle of fish as it was 'Botham' farewell party. I really cant tell you much of this night as there were copious amounts of booze, the police was involved and the entire Crew was there. I'm still waiting for pictures or videos to surface as these things usually triggers my memory. All I know is that on Sunday I woke up wasted, not knowing where I was or how I got there but I was in time for Super Sunday.

Colin out....

Thursday, 20 September 2012

Recession! What Recession?

I literally have to write this post from the hospital as I injured my back earlier today. How exactly did that happen you ask? No, it was not related to any sexual game or kinky role play! I simply fell of my chair whilst assessing my finances! Yes, it would appear that my somewhat frivolous partying lifestyle has caught up with me! To ensure that this does not happen to my fellow ThunderKatts and Mzanzi brethren, I have outlined a few pointers and tips to guide and help you in avoiding this situation:  

1. Listen to the specialists.   

For the last 5 years I was being ignorant and hard headed when people said "there is a recession" I was jokingly dancing and shouting "what recession" as I continued to bottle pop, model drop and strip club hop. Which brings me to my next point.... 

2. Leave the bottles for the rap artists.

Buying rounds of drinks is okay but 12 bottles for 10 people is just silly. Trust me, those girls you going home with wont remember you anyway.  

3. Drink responsibly. 

I finally found out that responsibly is not a drink nor a person. For years I wondered what my beloved mother was on about when she said 'drink responsibly' but at least now I know. 

4. Get a girlfriend.

Yeah I said it. Single life is damn expensive people! Bottle poppin' model droppin' strip-club hoppin' till 7am on a weekday then doing it all over again the next day is no joke! That shit is expensive and doing it 4/5 days in a row is hideous and serves no purpose. For who? For what? Yeah sure you will have to do couple stuff but trust me, that is far far cheaper than the alternative lifestyle. Which leads me to the last point....

5. Party in your financial lane.

This is much easier when you have a girlfriend. I have been observing my mates, and the ones with ladies avoids partying with me. The other single ones goes just as H.A.M as I do. When you have a lady, she will fuck you up if you party with us because she has a hint of how things go down. You therefore stay in your financial lane and rather opt for the safe option of romantic movies, popcorn and snuggle struggle.  

If any of these tips still doesn't appeal to you, then to hell with it. I cant repay you for the time that you spent reading this. However, next time you see me in the club, slide over and say "lets pop bottles" and we'll call it even. You might just end up so shit faced that you don't remember your own name but hey, these things happen! 

Colin out......

Monday, 17 September 2012

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause....

So with majority of The Crew either in Riga or London this weekend, I was gearing up for a relaxed weekend. Not really sure what to expect and where I would end up, I was still very optimistic as these are usually the best weekends. Myself, VinnyChase, KingKenny, Huber and Just-ICE hit some local bar in the city centre after work. As we entered said bar, I was pretty sure we had the address wrong and this was actually a morgue or a church. I was even more confused because firstly people hardly die in this city nor do they believe in God so why would there be a church or morgue in the city centre. The decor was very chic and retro and all 3 floors are spacious over looking the water and European style buildings. I know you thinking "damn that sounds great" and it probably is. The problem was, we were the only katts there! The barman walks out from the back probably woken up by our noise and scuffling and he literally looks like he has one foot in the grave. This has to be the oldest barman in history as I'm sure I saw him in some John Wayne movie and he was already old back then. We decided to stay here and get shit faced anyway, whats the worst that can happen right?

I am still not sure whether we were drinking stronger beer or was it the "time-space continuum" that always affects men when they in pubs/bars/clubs. For those katts that's not sure what the "time-space continuum" is, lemme break it down for you. Basically this is a mathematical model that combines space and time into a single construct. This spacetime is usually explained with a model where space is three-dimensional and time has the role of a fourth dimension. Long story short; You are in the pub drinking and getting hammered and according to you, time is standing still. When in reality and on the outside of that specific pub/bar/club, the world is actually progressing at a rapid pace. This usually explains why men are always in trouble with their ladies because when we enter the "time-space continuum" our watches and mobiles literally freezes and time stands still.

This was surely the case because by the time Just-ICE went to get our round of umpteenth drinks. We were surrounded by people and it appeared that it was somehow strangely dark outside. The old barman was now replaced by young, fresh, vibrant and good looking bar ladies. Everyone around us was dressed to impress and looked like they literally walked off the cover of a style magazine. I had no idea what was going! One of the staff members came over to VinnyChase and KingKenny and spoke to them in Swedish. From what I understood, we were being asked to move upstairs to the club section as this bar was now closing. During this same transition period, I received a text message from ScienceGirl inviting me over to her place as she was hosting a 'beer-and-taco' evening. "Be there in 10 minutes with The Crew" was my response.

It surely must of been the longest ten minutes of my life because by the time I got there, it was Saturday morning and once again I woke up not knowing where the hell I was or how I got there. I cant tell you much about the clubbing experience other than it was filled with young good looking students in search of a great time. KingKenny had to fill me in on the gaps when I saw him on Saturday. Needless to say he was still shitfaced and had no intention of joining me and Just-ICE for Huber's birthday party. I kept things reserved on Saturday night but Just-ICE had other ideas and kept feeding me booze. 'Take-It-To-The-Base' had also joined with his two younger brothers and the shots and booze kept on flowing like the Nile river. They uttered the words 'Sommar' and my face lit up but I knew I was shit faced and needed rest. I conjured the courage to plan the ultimate escape move and slipped them on route to Sommar using ScienceGirl as my shield. I still haven't heard from Just-ICE nor 'Take-It-To-The-Base' but I cant really blame them.

Oh and rest of The Crew is back from Riga and London. They had a marvelous time yet no stories can be disclosed due to the Privacy Act of 2010.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Colin out....

Monday, 10 September 2012

This is so not for me!

To this very day I still have no idea what came over me this past weekend to actually follow through with what I am about to share with you. Maybe it was my current financial situation(not like that has ever stopped me before). Or could it be the raging stomach ulcer that caused so much pain and agony that my house mate Scandalus called the medics? Hell maybe it was the fact that I could actually see and feel my liver throbbing and making pulsating like movements while I was in colossal discomfort. Whatever it was, I decided to have a quite weekend. Yes, you heard right! A quite weekend. Now as a 25 year old partykat with a reputation that puts most folk in stitches with laughter, this was something really intricate and difficult to do.

Believe me I live for partying and GOOD times so needless to say I felt like a psycho and serial killer in the making on Friday night. Sitting at home watching movies and playing PS3 just felt so weird. I could hear my inner voice of reason shouting and screaming to me like a mother screaming to her drowning son. It wasn't pretty. To this day I still do not know where I gathered the strength to decline a few phone calls and text messages for 'drinks' from. These calls and messages later turned to "dude are you okay, whats wrong" and "buddy are you dying, why aren't you out". Somehow trying to explain to people that you having a quiet weekend was a bigger task than I anticipated.

Waking up on Saturday morning without a hangover or NOT in some strange place I had no recollection of was very weird. That weird feeling felt good but was soon replaced with sadness as that little inner voice was back again. This time he was livid and furiously shouting at me "Let me out!". So I did just that. I went to support my friend at the Swedish National Cross fit Championship where they do NOT serve beer or any alcoholic beverage. Inner voice was not happy! A little side note:
*These competitions is NOT a pick up ground as these chicks are mean and they will kick your ass.
*Do not take your girl with you to this event! There is half naked men that look like they jumped off the cover of the GQ magazine. You will end up single or pretty soon your Mrs will start implementing new role play sex where you now have a different name every time she closes her eyes and pictures that dude pushing weights.

After the competition I went home and was soooo bored out of my mind I started cleaning the apartment. Once again, not something I would do out of necessity. This is more a task you only complete when you have a lady friend coming over for some red wine and coitus activity. I also couldn't have chosen a worse weekend as there was no football on the telly. I therefore had to ration my rugby, cricket and Formula 1 viewing like a British citizen in the 1940's. Not even the page turning thriller "Lolly Jackson" could shut up my inner voice. By Sunday I was totally lost and my inner voice was depressed and broken. I decided 'fuck it' and gave him a treat by watching the Formula 1 with a few 6 packs of ice cold Stella. He was happy.

Myself, Inner voice and 'ScienceGirl' then hit the streets on Sunday night. I told her about my utterly useless and dull weekend to which she made an interesting point; "there is enough time to do these things when you married with kids". Very true I would say because no bachelor/spinster is suppose to have quiet weekends. That was surely the last time I will ever endure a quiet weekend.

"Have we not all eternity to rest in? Why do we seek to rest while you are still alive?"

Colin out....