Friday, 19 July 2013

The sober side of life

For those that still don't know, Yes, I decided to quit drinking and go to rehab. This was obviously a decision I did not take lightly and gave it a lot of thought. Im pleased to say though that "so far, so good" and all is going well. So how is rehab you ask? Well, I can say that we watch too much American movies because rehab is NOTHING like the crap we see on our tv screens. Or at least Swedish rehab isn't. I was expecting the famous '12 step program' to be unleashed but Swedes don't do God and Jesus and all that religious stuff so they just skip most of that and have their own program. It's actually very professional and intimate in the sense that you have an entire team dedicated to one individual. This somewhat shocked me as I was expecting the whole group session where one retired pastor leads the group and we all have to stand up and introduce ourselves. I guess things work different in Sweden because over here its actually the alcoholic that has a team of doctors, psychologists and Rehabv√§gledare and they the ones standing up and introducing themselves.   

I cant exactly pin point what it was that led me to this place but it just feels right. I cant continue living in the cusp of death thinking that it wont be me. Personally I feel like I've bottle popped, model dropped and turnt up enough to call it quits now already. 

One thing I am going to comment on is that sober life is just as expensive as bottle poppin' and drinking. The drinking Gods must be punishing me for letting them down because all of a sudden I now need a root canal, a dental implant and a dental bridge. And if that is not enough additional expenses, I now have the appetite of a sumo wrestler and cravings of a pregnant lady. All of a sudden drinking sounds like a good idea but the thought of looking like a toothless hobo in my 30's is less appealing. So I'll stick to being sober for now thank you.  

Another aspect I picked up on is that its the ones closest to you that doubt and don't believe change is possible. They actually rooting for your failure. I guess thats why they called close friends. Luckily I am at peace with myself and I rather use their negativity as a steam to power my sobriety.  

Isaacs IN....

Saturday, 15 June 2013

Being 30

Almost every year without fail, I would celebrate my 25th birthday. Not only was this a debaucherous occasion but also the hassle of getting yet another fake ID was borderline psychotic. Last year however, I celebrated #BirthdayCelebrationMonth and did something different. I spent an entire month being wasted, waking up in strange places, foreign countries and kitchen floors. Many folk wondered why I would spend my 25th birthday like this but I did it that way for it was my final years of my 20's. 

What does it mean to be 30? Is it being in a serious relationship where compromise, respect and support is just as important as sexy time and beauty? Is it normal at this age to cough a few times while a random medical stranger is cupping your nutsack? Is this a normal age to then have another stranger with a medical title insert a long snake like protrusion in your back door in search of God knows what! Was it a fact finding mission? Are you then still an anal virgin or does that now make you gay? 
I surely do not know what it means to be 30 and I dont have the foggiest clue what to expect. All I wanted to do was celebrate my 30th in style and do something different. That pray was answered in the form of my beloved SnowFlake who took it upon herself to make sure that it was magical and memorable. She invited a few of my mates to come and celebrate my 30th on her island out in the Swedish Archipelago. For the purpose of secrecy, we shall refer to said location as 'SnowFlakes Island' from here forth. 

We arrived at SnowFlakes Island after sunset on the Wednesday and just cruising through the archipelago during summer surely does something to you. You immediately get a surreal feeling of bliss and tranquility. That also quickly changed to fear because I realized that should SnowFlake decide to go all Hostel on me, this would be the perfect setting. Nobody would ever find my body out here in the middle of nowhere. That wasn't the case unless Im SpongeBob square pants writing this post from under the sea! Amongst many different aspects of the weekend, one of the highlights was waking up to a hoisted South African flag on the island the morning of my birthday. Many of the other stories also cannot be divulged due to privacy rules however, I can honestly say that it was indeed magical, memorable and different. 

I have no idea what to expect in this era of 30's. Apparently hangovers now last 2 days and every weekend is a baby shower or wedding. What I do know and what I am sure about is that change is imminent. Whether it be change in the form child birth or change in the form of marriage. Change is imminent my friend. For me, that change is in the form of rehab.... 

Colin out... 
Isaacs IN!

Wednesday, 8 May 2013

Valborg. If you don't know, now you know!

Imagine the Jozi or Great CPT business district. Now imagine that specific CBD without buildings, in fact replace it with architecture from the early 1800's surrounded by greenery, parks, water features and beauty. Fill that with sweet black baby Jesus' most beautiful and amazing creatures all in one place. Happy, singing, laughing, sharing, caring and not a concern nor negative complaint that one would usually associate with Swedish winter folk. The streets are filled and lined with vicarious, happy, radiant and relieved people. You get a sense of relieve yet solace and reparation as you walk around in the city. 

People have literally awoken from hibernation and if there is any capital of this statement, then Uppsala it is! This city exudes what we envision bears do every winter. Why do we go to the zoo to await the awakening of a bear? Rather go to Uppsala during Valborg to witness the awakening of mankind and the human race. Its a beautiful thing I tell you. SnowFlake and all other folk tried to warn me weeks before that it is something that you cannot prepare for yet I did not heed the call and shrugged off the warnings. Needless to say I was in a critical condition the days following the debauchery that is Valborg.

It started off very quietly with a "champagne breakfast" at some blokes house and I remember thinking to myself "Self, how hardcore are these people if they have champagne. Ppppffft this should be a piece of cake". That was my last sober memory I can tell you that much. Upon arrival at this blokes spot, we entered his vacant apartment where the only furniture was a DJ booth, J√§germeister shot tubes, tons of booze and champagne. I have a vivid recollection of breakfast being present yet I cannot confirm this thought. Luckily I have a video to refresh my memory that was taken at 08h15. Note the time stamp as this might explain why I was inebriated at 11h00 that day.  

I cant remember much after this breakfast party but I do recall walking through a park filled with Sweden's finest and bumping into "Timmy" and "TheAngus". We parked off and helped our self to some of their bbq and booze only to lose them whilst strolling through the streets. I really cant recall much of the days events other than it was amazing and don't wear expensive clothing as you will be soaked by champagne showers. Trust me, should you ever find yourself in Sweden at the end of April, head to Uppsala to experience Valborg. You will never be the same again. 

Colin out....

Thursday, 18 April 2013

Its time to return....

Its been way too long...

Wow, its really been a minute since I've been on the scene. Lots has happened since my last post and when I say lots I mean re-invention of the wheel guys and girls. Myself and 'ScienceGirl' took a much needed winter break and escaped to The Mother City. Trust me, nothing elevates a relationship like a trip to The Great CPT and showing off one of Africa's jewels. She immediately fell in love with my hometown and I no longer need to ask her "do you like my city" because that question is answered by the gigantic smile on her face. From here onward 'ScienceGirl' is now known as 'SnowFlake' as she kinda has that Prince thing going on where she just randomly recreates, re-invents and switches things up. Including her name. Yeah, she is that bad ass! 

The disturbing aspect of coming back from vacation is that you get slapped with a sledge hammer called reality. My reality punch surprised the living day lights out of me. From my lala land vacation I came back to even more racism. Violence towards women in my beloved South Africa is staggering and astonishingly nothing is being done to curb and stop it. Oscar Pistorious didn't help either by shooting his girlfriend. Gruesome gang rapes is a daily occurrence and is actually trending like a damn hash tag on Twitter or Instagram. To add further insult to injury, I came to find out that Sweden has the *second highest rape stats in the world and highest in Europe. 

Surely I am not the only person appalled by these vile, disgusting and inhumane acts. I know I am not alone because I see all the posts, protests and petitions on social media. Does this do anything? Does this change anything? Is everything that simple that we merely change the world with a click of a button or a like or comment or retweet? I didn't think so! What is required is action! Where are the lawmakers? Where are the politicians? We don't need protests and likes and petitions. We need laws to be amended so that this vile disease can be ended. A strong message and stern warning should be sent and examples made that reverberates through generations. 

Colin Out..... 

*Sweden has the highest incidence of reported rapes in Europe and one of the highest in the world. The data is per capita of reported cases only. 

Thursday, 10 January 2013

Generalize! Who me? Never!

I don't generalize; I state fact and refer back to previous experiences. Lately I've been accused of generalizing and not seeing aspects as individual cases. This knocked me on the chest and smacked me out of the ball park for a clean cut 6. However, being the ever illusive Saffa that I am, I rolled back into the ball park to state my case.  

* "Women should stay in the kitchen and out of the boardrooms" that's generalizing! 

* "Black men have huge dicks" that's generalizing! 

* "All swedes are beautiful" that's generalizing!  

* "Africans are scared of water" that's generalizing! 

* "Dental care in Sweden is far from great and should just be called dental practice" that's fact! 

Allow me to explain, or no wait, why don't you revert back to each and every example I just stated and try to justify or dispute that statement.... 

Just this morning in the tunnelbana an elderly gentleman screamed at me pointing out the fact that my bag was destructing the traffic flow of commuters in the train. Bear in mind that my tiny laptop bag was actually resting on my lap and a mere 3cm was leaning over my lap towards the pathway of passengers walking by. Coupled with the fact that there was only 7 passengers in the entire carriage, made it even more funnier! This clearly infuriated this gentleman whose wife is probably banging someone else hence the morning anger(I cant blame her either if she is). Either that or he probably found out about his beloved daughter's African lover. I decided to infuriate him further by responding in my best Afrikaans-English Cape Colored accent stipulating that I don't understand him as I am not Swedish. At this point I could see his stroke starting to develop and he mustered out "Javla Invandrare". I just smiled and continued to listen to music. 

"Racism still alive, people just concealing it" fact or generalizing? 

Colin Out......

**Javla Invandrare = Fucken Immigrant**

Sunday, 6 January 2013

50 Shades of Fail!

First and foremost, happy new year and compliments of the season to you and your loved ones. May 2013 be just what you want it to be! Now that we have that out of the way, back to business. So what resolutions have people been conjuring up this new year and how are you keeping it up thus far? I spoke to this one senorita and her 2013 wish was "for a better sex life". I was slightly gobsmacked as she was standing with her boyfriend at the time and clutching the ever illusive "50 shades of grey" novel. Guys if your Mrs is reading this book, clearly you doing it wrong! Take a hint and enough with the missionary position already; you've mastered the art! In fact you are the missionary position gold medalist. With that being said, it's time to turn things around buddy. Clearly you not stimulating the most important sensual organ in your old lady and contrary to popular belief; it is not between her legs. I was referring to the brain my good man.

Yip, it all starts up there buddy so stop focusing downstairs from the get go! Go ahead and ask yourself 'self, why is my old lady reading this book?' I bet you $1m (this bet is valid and the currency is in Zim Dollars) your inner self will answer "because she is not being stimulated mentally and intellectually hence reverting to this poorly written wonderland". 
Trust me buddy, and I'm pretty sure you know what I'm talking about, but once your lady is turned on up there, you will require a mop and sponge to soak up the wetness afterwards. If at this point you asking how to turn her on up there, please do yourself a favor and walk away from your relationship. Its much better than her replacing you with some random Thunderkatt and you coming home to find your old lady tied up and butt naked while 'Jose' is pleasuring her with punishment. Don't say I didn't warn you! These things happen! 

At this point I know I'm being crucified and cursed by the many adoring fans of this book. To all of you, I apologize however I based my findings on observation and statistics. Out of the 20 random ladies I spoke to: 

*11 of them were single and craving.

*2 were in relationships with the sex life of a catholic nun at a convent. 

*3 were engaging in random sexual acts with various fuck buddies but still felt as void and empty as the gaping hole they trying to fill. 

*2 were unsure but then again they were also unsure about their sexuality, preference and also kept making reference to their medication. 

*1 girl stopped reading at page 110 because she apparently had a brain aneurysm due to the bad writing and nonsense she was exposed to. 

I then focused my attention to some of the real ThunderKatts out there and asked them to purchase the book as a gift to their ladies and see what the outcome and response was. Thus far the response has been positive in the sense that all their ladies either laughed or questioned why they would give them that book. "We don't need this! He knows what he is doing" and "Our kinkiness makes this shit sound like sesame street" was my favorite response.  

diagram a
Apparently certain ThunderKatts are giving classes on Wednesdays and Thursdays on '50 Shades of Cray: Putting the sensual back in non-consensual' for all you lost souls out there. Lesson 1 will be on the essentials and basics of diagram a so if you not familiar with this, please look in the mirror and question your existence  Alternatively question your mother on why she never smothered you at child birth.

Colin Out.... 

ps. all bets and wagers placed on this post are null and void as I was intoxicated at the time. Also I am not endorsed by any gaming or betting web site due to my belief in Black Baby Jesus.