Saturday, 27 October 2012

Different Levels of Drunk

With the weekend in full force and everybody out and about shouting YOLO because they are a 'Thousan-aire' for a week, It is my duty to educate my fellow brethren on the levels of drunk. Please note that these levels apply to me and my conditioning for handling liquor. As sure as Black Baby Jesus made everyone unique(or so they say), these levels should not be applied to anyone else. I can not be held responsible for any liver or kidney complications resulting in trying to keep up with me. Without further a due, lets go through the 5 levels of Drunk so that you know in which mood to approach me when out and about during weekends.

Like breathing, buzzed comes naturally. I usually reach this level after 2 or 3 six-packs of Stella while playing some PS3 or watching football on the telly. Nothing exciting happens when one is buzzed however, it is the gate way to the next level. A mere phone call or text message literally becomes inspiration when you are buzzed. All of a sudden your 'quiet night' playing PS3 or with the lady now evolved into 'lets hit the streets'.

You are now entering the twilight zone. Drinking games all of a sudden are an awesome idea and you have a crazy craving to beat the cinnamon challenge or try the reverse tequila shot. It is at this point that any normal person should be heading for the safety and solitude of their bed to rest and recover. But we are not normal are we? Nope. Alcohol is courage in a bottle so instead, we keep the liquor flowing to reach that next level. 

Is also known as 'hammered' for my non-Afrikaans speaking brethren. By now you firmly believe that you are a rap star/ball player and you only ordering drinks by the bottle. You are way too cool for glasses as well so you drinking straight from the bottle. No female is unattainable in your eyes and Clark Kent haven't got shit on you, let alone King Kong! Any music is great music and you find yourself dancing lasciviously to Dubstep. In your mind, a crowd has gathered around you to watch and learn as you literally float across the dance floor with your slick moves. Seriously, you should head home... But you don't! "The night is only a fetus" you proclaim to your onlookers and you insist that nobody should leave because things are about to get crazy. 


I usually get to this level at sporting events for the mere reason that it is always on a Saturday. By then I literally just leave wherever I am and continue to drink. An example of 'Motherless drunk' comes to mind when my good friend StreetKat literally scooped me up one fine Saturday morning from a party I had attended since the Thursday. After a shower and quick clothing change, we started cracking bottles and were on our way to my beloved Newlands, home to the best rugby team on planet earth. I was so smashed that StreetKat literally had to feed me but after copious Vodka+RedBulls, I was back on my stride again. It is at this point that my courage is sooo high, you would swear that I was on cocaine. But its not, that's just my awesomeness kicking in to 6th gear. We quickly gathered a massive crowd due to new songs and anthems with dance moves that I had taught the fans outside the stadium. Being in the state that I was, I didn't even notice that my mates had written my contact details in case of emergency on my body with a permanent marker. I cant remember much of that day but I do remember pissing off some dude because I was insulting and making fun of his girlfriend. Apparently they weren't related but I wouldn't take no for an answer. As darkness crept up on us, I insisted that I drive back home because according to me 'Everyone is too drunk'. 'DelMorris' quickly proved that statement by trying to reverse his car into a fence. Still, they wouldn't let me drive because trust me, if you knew me, you wouldn't either. 


This is the one level I do not want to reach ever again. You know when you wake up in the morning thinking 'How did I get here?' or 'why am I still alive?'... Yeah, that's Colin Drunk. I can tell you about how I woke up in a forest with deer surrounding me. I can even top that with a story of waking up in Copenhagen after a night of debauchery in Stockholm. However, one specific story sticks and its been told to me by 'Botham' and numerous others. That's the disadvantage with Colin Drunk, you don't remember shit! Your eyes are open but there is nothing going on. On one fine summers day, we were all out having a bbq and getting shit faced on Vodka+RedBulls, whiskey, red wine, rum and brandy. This obviously led to Colin Drunk at which point I was chatting with 'GirlA' and cracking jokes. Once again, this is according to 'Botham' who claims that I slapped 'GirlB' on the ass. I then proceeded to inform her that "you can be lucky i'm going home with 'GirlA' or else you would've gotten this good dick". I looked 'GirlB' dead in her eye, did my famous *HUH* grunt and walked away. I then asked 'MoustacheGuy' if he gets fucked in his face often seeing that he looks like a vagina. He didn't find this amusing at all but his girlfriend did so I rather conversed with her. Here is the funny thing about Colin Drunk, I never go home with any of the ladies I talk to. I always end up passed out on a park bench, forest, train, bus or apartment hallway. The true miracle is that I wake up with my face and body parts intact. The Drinking Gods must surely love their favorite son because nobody has ever yet bashed my face in with all the insults I dish out. 

I am glad that Colin Drunk is retired and will no longer make public appearances. Since I started dating 'ScienceGirl' there is no reason for such tomfoolery and ridicule. So I guess there is only 4 levels then huh? 

Colin Out....

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