Saturday, 1 December 2012

Winter is Here: Weekly tip on how to get laid

Balls: Grow a pair or use the existing ones!  

I cant exactly tell you what the time is over here in Stockholm as darkness has crept in like a catholic priest in a little boys' room. I should say winter is coming but from the looks of it, winter is already here. I am unpleasantly surprised as I still encounter some brethren out there scavenging for some 'boodissy'. Clearly they did not understand the concept of sommar slut rea when I posted it earlier this fall. Why is this still happening? The last few weeks I've been observing these poor lads standing around the bar or dance floor in total awe of the T&A of these pretentious, wannabe socialites. I am further saddened by how my fellow brethren look on as douche bags quickly swarm these ratchet girls. The aforementioned Jersey Shore lookalike douche bags literally shower ratchet in a sea of attention that they eat up like a bulimic Östermalm girl at a Mongolian buffet. As the night comes to an end, the awkward and dismayed observers go home alone to pleasure themselves whilst listening to classical music. Why is this happening to the brethren out there? I consulted with the great 'LaFaille' and 'Botham' to share some insight on how we can help these brethren. I surely cannot share my secret and tips on how I landed my dime piece hence I am stealing LaFaille and 'Botham's tips. 

As with any other Crew meeting, there was copious amounts of liquor involved. 'ScienceGirl' is starting to think that these so called 'meetings' are just gatherings for us to get shit faced and has nothing to do with helping the single guys out there. Be that as it may, I can't exactly remember what was said or what the main tip or instruction was(obviously because we were trashed), but I did get a transcript of the conversation. I would attach the sound clip but 'LaFaille' does not want his voice on the internet. Something about him "already having too much women and don't want unnecessary attention because of his French accent", I can't remember, like I said, I was wasted.  

LaFaille: you know what guy, that entire debacle that you just explained now could of have been averted if those poor onlookers just made a fucking move! 
Botham: true true! The ladies love a guy with balls! 
LaFaille: precisely! In this ever growing metro sexual global village, it's very hard to find katts with balls these days. 
Colin: yeah it is kinda borderline extinct and very high on the endangered species list. 
Botham: I mean even if you don't have your nutsack intact for whatever reason, at the very least fake it! By the time she realizes that you missing one ball or even both, she's laying in your bed, looking at the ceiling wondering why she doubted you in the first place. 
LaFaille: wait; hold on, why would you be missing your damn nutsack??? 
Botham: you know the usual shit. Your ex took them when she castrated you and turned you into a little puppy or some dudes just lack self-belief and constantly doubt themselves, such shit man! 
LaFaille: aight. The main thing is just to grow a pair, go over and just introduce yourself. Be confident but not arrogant and just play it cool. 
Botham: exactly! Play it cool. Don't cling on to her like she's your favorite jerkoff pillow. Just a quick 'hi there' like Colin does, a quick 10 second chat and walk away. 
Colin: dude why would you disclose my game like that? 
LaFaille: *laughing hysterically* Dude everybody knows your game! 
Botham: true! 
LaFaille: but you also need to make her wonder about you. So when you do talk to her, look her dead in the eyes! Do not and I repeat, DO NOT look or even glare at her booty, boobs, belly ring, nothing! Don't even drop your eyes below her neckline.
Botham: word! Because now she will wonder why aren't you looking at her boobs or under her skirt seeing that she is going commando and this makes her nervous.
Colin: preach! It also sets you apart from all the other affliction-clad toolboxes that has been hounding her all night.  
LaFaille: yip. Besides, if you make a move with solid platinum balls and she rejects you, she either has a boyfriend or is into girls. Either way, you're a winner.
Botham: how the hell is that winning? 
LaFaille: you got your nutsack back so you now have the confidence to carry on and build from there. 
Colin: yeah I suppose alotta katts constantly cock block themselves on nights out with all that doubt and disbelief in their minds. 
Botham: fucken A bro! There is too much katts out there doubting themselves which only gets in the way of introducing yourself, taking her back to yours, ripping her clothes off and fucking the shit out of her. It's just that simple! 
LaFaille: hold on, I don't shag girls at my place dude. I take them back to theirs! 

this pic has nothing to do with this post, its just damn funny

I cant remember the rest of the conversation but the morale of the story is 'Grow a pair'. As I head out into the night, I sincerely hope my fellow brethren heed the call and take action tonight! I do not want to see any single brothers out there doubting themselves. But be careful, don't get too arrogant or else you will fall into the douche bag category.  

Colin out....

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