Sunday, 6 January 2013

50 Shades of Fail!

First and foremost, happy new year and compliments of the season to you and your loved ones. May 2013 be just what you want it to be! Now that we have that out of the way, back to business. So what resolutions have people been conjuring up this new year and how are you keeping it up thus far? I spoke to this one senorita and her 2013 wish was "for a better sex life". I was slightly gobsmacked as she was standing with her boyfriend at the time and clutching the ever illusive "50 shades of grey" novel. Guys if your Mrs is reading this book, clearly you doing it wrong! Take a hint and enough with the missionary position already; you've mastered the art! In fact you are the missionary position gold medalist. With that being said, it's time to turn things around buddy. Clearly you not stimulating the most important sensual organ in your old lady and contrary to popular belief; it is not between her legs. I was referring to the brain my good man.

Yip, it all starts up there buddy so stop focusing downstairs from the get go! Go ahead and ask yourself 'self, why is my old lady reading this book?' I bet you $1m (this bet is valid and the currency is in Zim Dollars) your inner self will answer "because she is not being stimulated mentally and intellectually hence reverting to this poorly written wonderland". 
Trust me buddy, and I'm pretty sure you know what I'm talking about, but once your lady is turned on up there, you will require a mop and sponge to soak up the wetness afterwards. If at this point you asking how to turn her on up there, please do yourself a favor and walk away from your relationship. Its much better than her replacing you with some random Thunderkatt and you coming home to find your old lady tied up and butt naked while 'Jose' is pleasuring her with punishment. Don't say I didn't warn you! These things happen! 

At this point I know I'm being crucified and cursed by the many adoring fans of this book. To all of you, I apologize however I based my findings on observation and statistics. Out of the 20 random ladies I spoke to: 

*11 of them were single and craving.

*2 were in relationships with the sex life of a catholic nun at a convent. 

*3 were engaging in random sexual acts with various fuck buddies but still felt as void and empty as the gaping hole they trying to fill. 

*2 were unsure but then again they were also unsure about their sexuality, preference and also kept making reference to their medication. 

*1 girl stopped reading at page 110 because she apparently had a brain aneurysm due to the bad writing and nonsense she was exposed to. 

I then focused my attention to some of the real ThunderKatts out there and asked them to purchase the book as a gift to their ladies and see what the outcome and response was. Thus far the response has been positive in the sense that all their ladies either laughed or questioned why they would give them that book. "We don't need this! He knows what he is doing" and "Our kinkiness makes this shit sound like sesame street" was my favorite response.  

diagram a
Apparently certain ThunderKatts are giving classes on Wednesdays and Thursdays on '50 Shades of Cray: Putting the sensual back in non-consensual' for all you lost souls out there. Lesson 1 will be on the essentials and basics of diagram a so if you not familiar with this, please look in the mirror and question your existence  Alternatively question your mother on why she never smothered you at child birth.

Colin Out.... 

ps. all bets and wagers placed on this post are null and void as I was intoxicated at the time. Also I am not endorsed by any gaming or betting web site due to my belief in Black Baby Jesus. 

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