This is so not for me!

To this very day I still have no idea what came over me this past weekend to actually follow through with what I am about to share with you. Maybe it was my current financial situation(not like that has ever stopped me before). Or could it be the raging stomach ulcer that caused so much pain and agony that my house mate Scandalus called the medics? Hell maybe it was the fact that I could actually see and feel my liver throbbing and making pulsating like movements while I was in colossal discomfort. Whatever it was, I decided to have a quite weekend. Yes, you heard right! A quite weekend. Now as a 25 year old partykat with a reputation that puts most folk in stitches with laughter, this was something really intricate and difficult to do.

Believe me I live for partying and GOOD times so needless to say I felt like a psycho and serial killer in the making on Friday night. Sitting at home watching movies and playing PS3 just felt so weird. I could hear my inner voice of reason shouting and screaming to me like a mother screaming to her drowning son. It wasn't pretty. To this day I still do not know where I gathered the strength to decline a few phone calls and text messages for 'drinks' from. These calls and messages later turned to "dude are you okay, whats wrong" and "buddy are you dying, why aren't you out". Somehow trying to explain to people that you having a quiet weekend was a bigger task than I anticipated.

Waking up on Saturday morning without a hangover or NOT in some strange place I had no recollection of was very weird. That weird feeling felt good but was soon replaced with sadness as that little inner voice was back again. This time he was livid and furiously shouting at me "Let me out!". So I did just that. I went to support my friend at the Swedish National Cross fit Championship where they do NOT serve beer or any alcoholic beverage. Inner voice was not happy! A little side note:
*These competitions is NOT a pick up ground as these chicks are mean and they will kick your ass.
*Do not take your girl with you to this event! There is half naked men that look like they jumped off the cover of the GQ magazine. You will end up single or pretty soon your Mrs will start implementing new role play sex where you now have a different name every time she closes her eyes and pictures that dude pushing weights.

After the competition I went home and was soooo bored out of my mind I started cleaning the apartment. Once again, not something I would do out of necessity. This is more a task you only complete when you have a lady friend coming over for some red wine and coitus activity. I also couldn't have chosen a worse weekend as there was no football on the telly. I therefore had to ration my rugby, cricket and Formula 1 viewing like a British citizen in the 1940's. Not even the page turning thriller "Lolly Jackson" could shut up my inner voice. By Sunday I was totally lost and my inner voice was depressed and broken. I decided 'fuck it' and gave him a treat by watching the Formula 1 with a few 6 packs of ice cold Stella. He was happy.

Myself, Inner voice and 'ScienceGirl' then hit the streets on Sunday night. I told her about my utterly useless and dull weekend to which she made an interesting point; "there is enough time to do these things when you married with kids". Very true I would say because no bachelor/spinster is suppose to have quiet weekends. That was surely the last time I will ever endure a quiet weekend.

"Have we not all eternity to rest in? Why do we seek to rest while you are still alive?"

Colin out....

End of Summer Sale

As summer drastically comes to an abrupt end in Sweden, the festivals get less, outdoor pubs and parks are derelict, shorts and skirts are replaced with leggings and denims and the warm friendly smiles vanish. The end of summer is not all bad though, because with the end comes "sommar slut rea". This means end of summer sale in Swedish and should not only be confused with clothing and shopping sprees. Oh no my young thunderkatts, I was referring to 'the pull' over here. If you at this point still don't know what we referring to, please stop reading, do yourself a favor and subscribe to "Garden & Home" my friend.  

Just as with any last minute closing sale, there are a few things to be made aware of. Please allow me to elaborate and highlight two points:

*Be prepared for a lot of crazy people running around trying to grab(what they assume to be) the best deal.
*Avoid 'flashy and shiny' things. Try and look beyond the surface if you want something to last longer than the weekend.

But probably thee most important point I would say, have fun!!!! You can literally pick up 11 items for the price of one. The chance of getting buyers remorse is also eradicated by 'price over value' ratio. Always bear in mind that everyone else came with the same budget, however, you have been saving up and 'holding back'  the entire summer. Now it is your time young man!!! So to everyone that didn't capitalize on European Summer 2012, I say unto you my brethren, go forth and take sommar slut rea by the horns. As my beautiful people in South Africa would say "Feel it, it is here". Within that massive pile of items, there is a bargain and gem for you! However, if you only reading this on Monday, September 3rd, sorry buddy. You missed out on the sale of the year. Purchase a pair of Crocs, subscribe to Garden&Home and cry yourself to sleep.

Colin Out.......

Way Out West

Where do I even begin? If you haven't been to Way Out West yet, do yourself a favor and slap yourself in the face while evaluating your life and purpose. Apart from Tomorrowland, Way Out West is thee festival to be at. The lineup is average, the beer is expensive, festival food and regulations are horrendous, alcohol prohibition is extreme in the Nazi sense BUT the scenery is amazing! Imagine a conference of only beautiful people spanning over 4 days filled with expensive alcohol, late nights and strobe lights. Sure we enjoyed great acts and performances like Common, Miike Snow, Florence + the machine, De La Soul, Bon Iver, Gnucci, Spoek Mathambo and others but the highlight is the amazing talent. I'm sure that even if you were to stay in the same hotel as all the Miss Universe contestants, you still wouldn't be able to match the superior beauty and talent Göteborg offers during Way Out West

Everyone everywhere is sporting sunglasses but not necessarily to protect their eyes. Oh no my friend, this is for scouting or self-preservation reasons. Depending on your relationship status, one of those two options will suit you just fine. Then again, can your spouse/partner really be pissed at you for admiring the beauty around?  In the wise words of a great French man I know "c'est bon ca". The aforementioned French man literally lost his mind when he saw all the stunning ladies in the city

In church you always hear about how beautiful heaven and paradise is. How there is only lovely people, everyone is young, healthy and you feast forever. Well Way Out West is heaven because all of your dreams come true and the streets are lined with gold!  

I enjoyed it so much that the sad reality only struck me as I got on the train back home. I was still in party mode and thought that all the other passengers were too, besides, they still had their festival tags on. To my (not so surprised) amusement, they weren't. For this was the train back to Stockholm. Back to the beautiful unfriendly capital

Colin out....

Too Hot To Handle

Say what you want, but Swedish women are amongst the hottest and most beautiful women on planet earth. Yes, Yes, I know. Brazil blah blah blah Latin American, Eastern European blah blah blah. Yeah, I hear you BUT when you think 'high concentration of fine females in the same proximity' nothing beats Sweden. For this reason I personally think there is/was nothing wrong with Usain Bolt celebrating his 100m dominance with a few lovely Swedish ladies. Hell, if you are the greatest track athlete and fastest man on earth, you should be able to celebrate however you want.

I've been residing in Sweden for quite some time now and I can testify that women all over the country are not only breathtakingly beautiful. They are also well educated, informed and surprisingly friendly. I literally fall in love every day and the streets of Stockholm are packed with these stunning women, who are as tall as they are luscious. I can honestly say what you see on these typical commercials is true; Sweden really does have some of the worlds most beautiful women.


Just think of the first time you arrived in Sweden or visited here. That surreal realization that everything you ever heard is infact true. Think of how in shock and awe you were when you stepped into a 7-Eleven, Pressbyrån or local supermarket. You probably weren't sure whether you accidentally walked into a modeling agency or whether this was the casting or a set of a new reality TV show called "insanely hot models doing regular shit". Yes, I remember that feeling all too well.

Now I know you thinking "where is the catch?" Trust me, my old man always told me that when its too good to be true, it usually is. You see the price you pay for this exquisite beauty my dear obnoxious male friends, is castration.

Yes, you heard right. Castration and if you are lucky, maybe she will let you keep one of your testicles(eiers for my fellow Northern Suburbians back in The Great CPT). This is the price you pay if you dwell with the finest female specimen in the universe. Get used to a life of 'fokkol rights' because in all honesty, your opinion doesn't meant shit. But c'mon guys, do we really care about rights, opinions, individual traits, personality, our legacy and losing our dignity and manhood? Walk around in the streets of Stockholm and observe. You will find the answer.

With that said, I'm off to Göteborg for a week of debauchery with the lads....


Colin out......

CAUTION: Friend Zone Ahead

As Summer is in full affect over here in Sweden, I cant help but notice many of my fellow comrades and brethren falling and slipping into that dreaded Friend Zone. For those who are unaware of the Friend Zone(mostly guys who are oblivious to the truth), allow me to explain. The Friend Zone refers to an interpersonal relationship in which one individual(usually a guy) wishes to become romantically involved while the other individual would rather remain friends. From an outsiders perspective, it's a really really sad thing to view. It's far worse than watching a 9 car pile up involving a train and two heavy duty trucks in slow motion.

So how do you know when you in the Friend Zone? Luckily Colin has a list of a few phrases to watch out for. Maybe you have already heard these before in which case you need to evaluate your so called 'relationship' my young man:

• "your such a good friend" 
• "you're really a nice guy" 
• "I can talk to you about anything" 
• and my all time favorite is "you are like a brother to me"    

There are numerous other signs as well but those above mentioned phrases are red lights my good man. You should hit the eject button and bail while you can because your fighter jet has been blown to pieces by the friend zone missile. There are a few other tell tale signs as well. For example when she starts using 'bro language' or talks to you like a bro, the light is amber/orange and you need to slow down or speed up. This includes text message like "what are you doing dude" or "whats happening man" or "where you at bro". Just bail, save yourself the misery, embarrassment and torture of the friend zone and just move on.

Surely people claim that there are ways to get out of the Friend Zone, however, this is almost impossible. Just short of re-incarnation, you will literally have to undergo serious change. And for what? Some sexual encounter? A relationship that you probably will be unhappy in because you are now someone else that you magically morphed into? No No my comrades. There is no getting out of the Friend Zone. So my advise is just bail, write it off and move on. 

If you are lucky to be getting some nookie, well then good on you buddy because you doing it right! Friends with benefits is far better than friend zone. Just ensure that you are aware of the "kick in the teeth" later when she calls it quits for something "a little more serious" with someone else.  

Colin Out...

Euro 2012 reminds me of philip

With the Euro's in full swing and everybody sporting their colors of their nation or supported team, you almost get that World Cup 2010 feeling. Exactly 2 year ago 'philip' graced us with his presence and his presents. Fan parks filled with nationalities from all over the globe, women so beautiful you had to pinch yourself regularly to make sure you weren't dreaming. Alcohol flowing endlessly like Niagra falls and the beautiful game being adored by white, black, colored, asian, indian and everyone else I forgot to include. I cant exactly say the same for the current Euro's. Numerous cases of hooligan riots and attacks, certain fans racially abusing players and just general scenes that should not be associated with the beautiful game. Sure it is only a handful of culprits that is partaking in this debacle but I still had to bring it up.

The irony is that everyone expected this hooliganism and violence during 'philip' stay in South Africa when actually it was the exact opposite. I have never seen a nation party and celebrate in such unity and in a dignified manner(I have a feeling Brazil 2014 will make me swallow those words). And even though 'philip' left us, his memory and what he brought to the nation will long be remembered. I'm pretty sure that even in my Alzheimer days in the retirement village, I will still talk about 'philip' and scream "Philip, he is here". The vibe and atmosphere here in Sweden is sort of the same but not remotely close to the 'philip' level. Even though Sweden has already been eliminated, the fan parks still fill up with cheering and loyal fans. The drinks are flowing, the fans are cheering and everyone is unified in their yellow and blue outfits; for now at least.

Colin out....

Walk of Shame

So the fact that i'm writing this post should let you know that I survived the basketball challenge. Yes we had a few injuries on both teams but i'm glad to report the guys are all healed up and playing again. Did I have any idea what I was doing? Not a clue. Apparently you cant tackle your opponent and it is a non contact sport, who would of known. Needless to say I probably set a new record for most personal fouls, double dribble and travelling. But hey, I got a few buckets(to my fellow Northern Suburbans that's when you throw the ball through the hoop and you get 2 points) and that's all that matters.

The one good aspect that came from this entire debacle is that I have now started watching basketball again. Yes, I say again because way back in '95 '96 and '97 the SABC used to broadcast NBA games at 10h00 on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Back then I had no idea that there were different time zones(being 25 now that means I was 8 years old then). So needless to say I was in for a rude awakening after I bought the NBA package and then discovered that the games are at thee most ungodly hour. Thank you Gabreezi and Lafaille for not telling me this. But is it all bad? No, because thanks to those two clowns, I am now up in the wee hours of the morning and discovered thee most amazing, wonderful and somewhat funniest trend ever, The Walk of Shame.

To my fellow Northern Suburbans that is not quite familiar with this trend, I extracted a definition from urban dictionary for you guys. "When a woman leaves the home of a man(quite possibly one she met the night before) in the early morning hours; hair out in all directions, makeup half gone, with her undies in a pocket or her purse". Now with my farm/small town background and upbringing, you can imagine how funny this is to me. Whats even more funnier is when I see the same woman the night before. I literally have to control myself and contain my laughter. Here is what bugs me though, how come I don't see guys with that same 'walk of shame' look? Is it because we have no shame or is our values and morals just different? Does society just automatically high five us and place a crown on our head when we do it? As funny as this new phenomenon is to me, I do feel for these ladies. So here's my advise. Be Prepared!

As difficult as it must be to gather what little pride you have left and walk yourself home wearing the remnants of last night's sexy outfit, be prepared! Instead of that stylish clutch purse, rather opt for a bigger bag to include a jeans, face wash and a toothbrush. Alternatively you can just call a cab however that entails waiting. Which will evidently lead to small talk and that uncomfortable silence which we hate. Should none of these options suffice,  just hold your pretty little head high, take a deep breathe and just keep walking....

this poor lady didn't even mange to make it... shame

Colin out.....