Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Grabbing ass in this day and age???

Seriously? Really??? Are there still guys out there thinking that grabbing ladies booty will get you laid? How is that working for you buddy? matter of fact, I bet you are the same faggot protesting against catholic priests touching little boys booty holes. The irony is that you are no different my young man. You are just as disturbed and need help.

Maybe it's my fault; I should have posted those tips on how to get laid long ago already. Alternatively, it could be your mom's fault too! She should have done the world a favor and smothered you at child birth. Whatever the cause may be, seriously gents, it is not cool to just randomly grope any woman's booty. No matter how beautiful, luscious and appetizing it looks. It is not Ayoba to just do it. That is not what the Nike slogan means. There are ways and means to go about doing this and if you are not educated in that field, feel free to consult me. I would gladly give you lessons on Tuesdays and Thursdays on how to put the sensual back into non-consensual. 

People get killed for less gents so let us not have a misunderstanding. Grabbing a woman's ass is not cool and that is how rapist tendencies evolve. Yes, we know, your daddy touched your sister then climbed in your bed playing with your junk. Go ahead, take your belt off and hang yourself, matter of fact, grab your gun and kill yourself! And if you are too pussy to even do that(which you probably are) feel free to come to me or my crew.

Colin out....

Saturday, 24 November 2012

My imaginary friend comes to life

The last 72 hours has been insane! You know how I always made reference to my "inner voice" in previous posts? Well have you ever wondered what that inner being looks like? Is he a much more cooler individual than me? Does he sport the Jimi Hendrix hairdo and ooze with the luscious and frivolous sex panther? I wish I could answer all those questions but seeing that I am drugged up and about to go under the knife, let me give you a timeline breakdown of how my inner voice came to life: 

72 Hours ago: I woke up with a slight bump on my sternum and being the ever macho individual that I am, I just brushed it aside as a small zit. 

68 Hours ago: In just a few hours, the 'small zit' has now evolved into a giant red bump. The type of bump you get on your forehead when your grandma beat you with a hammer for jumping on her couch. Still, I am not worried for I am a man! 

58 Hours ago: Somehow this bump continues to grow and despite me waging war on it with disinfectant, anti bacteria and antibiotics, it grows bigger, stronger, faster and angrier! 

40 Hours ago: The bump has now transformed and somehow evolved into an alien within me. I literally look like I have an erection on my chest. It has its own pulse, heartbeat and is growing hair too. I fear for my life because soon this 'thing' will grow legs and arms and take over the world if I don't do something.

20 Hours ago: I am in tremendous pain. 'Thing' has now morphed and changed color. He is growing at such a rapid pace that myself, Gruff Daddy, Jaxx and HannaMontana can literally see it growing by the second. 

19 Hours ago: I contact the brilliant health care system provided by the Swedish government. I explain the urgency of this 'thing' evolving inside of me. They don't see the urgency nor feel my pain and brush it aside. 

16 Hours ago: I have to endure another night of anguish and suffering as I am only allowed to go to the hospital tomorrow.

14 Hours ago: Being the super smart girl she is, 'ScienceGirl' has a plan on how to relieve some of the pain. She tries her magic; it works! I am temporarily relieved but also high on meds. Thank you 'ScienceGirl' your the best. 

6 Hours ago: The 'alien' is now furious! He is fighting back and oozing with yellow venomous juice trying to combat 'ScienceGirl' meds and my traditional African magic and healing methods. 

1 Hour ago: Despite the agony, I dragged myself and 'Bob'(yes, he now has a name, personal number and citizenship) to the hospital. 

Now: The nurse takes the phone from my hand. She mumbles in broken English "doctor said no phone in surgery room" as the ushers continue to push my bed to the bright light. Bye 'Bob' you will not be missed! 

Colin passed out.....

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Dreams and Nightmares

Either the Drinking Gods are angry with me for what they deem as a series of offenses their favorite son has committed or I am some super hero that's suppose to do something miraculous. Whatever the reason might be, I find it very annoying because recently I started having a collection of dreams and nightmares. Now allow me to explain why this annoys me. You see for years I was a firm believer that I am the one individual that does not dream. I merely close my eyes, enter darkness and wake up in the light when the time is right. This theory was further supported by my copious alcohol intake which made me immune to dreams and nightmares as I hardly passed through the required rapid eye movement phases in order to remember shit! With a recent spate of roller coaster events within the last 2 weeks, alcohol was the last thing on my mind. This probably explains why systembolaget had a massive drop in share prices. It is also the reason why I removed my previous post "Winter is coming: Weekly tip on how to get laid" as the timing was not right. But fear not, those weekly tips will follow soon as many of you were quite confused as to why the post was removed.  

I am not a superstitious individual nor do I believe in hocus pocus but this recent spate of illusions are concerning. I would rather much have nightmares involving circus folk trying to anally probe me than being violently executed. Maybe its the dark Swedish winter affecting me? Maybe my body is just not used to falling asleep sober? Whatever it may be, I am not happy with this and it needs to stop. 

Someone recommended that I see a 'dream specialist' to have my nightmares interpreted to which I burst out with laughter. The only reason why I laughed because it was the only reaction that would prevent me from punching said individual in the face. Go ahead, try it. You cannot punch or slap someone while laughing vigorously. Have my nightmares interpreted pppfftt! You must've lost your God damn mind yes. Give me three bottles of RedHeart Rum and I will interpret my own damn dreams and nightmares. 

*Side Note* now that I'm done bitching and moaning, watch out for those much anticipated tips on 'how to get laid' coming soon

Colin out...

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

Don't fit in, stand out!

I've always been told by mother dearest that 'The good Lord made you to stand out, not to fit in. So shine my boy, shine' and never a true word spoken. With the current spate of meet and greets with 'ScienceGirl' recently, it was now time to get approval from her mates. Now let me pause for a moment to educate the future up and coming ThunderKatts on dating Swedish women. Firstly, if her friends don't approve of you, continue finger-banging yourself to sleep while listening to classical music. Friends approval is everything over here my obnoxious online reader. Its bigger than family! Secondly, refer back to the previous statement that starts with Firstly! 

Now bearing in mind that I already made so much mistakes when 'meeting the parents' I surely didn't want to repeat the same feat again. I therefore looked in the mirror and told myself 'self you got this'. Remember; whenever there is doubt, there is no doubt! With that said, I decided to crack back a few Vodka+RedBulls and just wing it. 'ScienceGirl' was hosting a traditional Swedish dinner party with all her mates present and this was the platform for me to be introduced to her crew. Not wanting to repeat the previous week's mistake, I decided to suit up. Upon gazing in the mirror, I got flashbacks of my younger years in Mzanzi. You must suit up to church! You must wear uniform to school! You must wear blazer and tie to rugby matches! Your hair must be 2cm from your ear and collar. I got a slight repulsive and rebellious feeling and decided "fuck it, go as me and let's switch it up". 

As the first few guests arrived, I started regretting my decision but as with anything else, there is nothing that a few Vodka+RedBulls can't change. I felt a bit uneasy because my Swedish is as useful as a nun with fake tits. However, ScienceGirl's mates quickly made me feel at ease by rather interacting in English. As my confidence reached its peak, I was ready for takeoff and flight CA710 aboard Colin Airways was reaching altitude.  

I always thought that The Lad Fraternity back home rolls deep but it turns out we are not the only ThunderKatts rolling like that. Each and everyone of the 'ScienceGirl' crew rolls at least 2 degrees deep. After dinner we made our way to what can only be described as an absolute clunge fest(in the wise words of 'Botham' and the guys). It was at this point that I missed The Crew because the ratio of ladies to guys at this party was 12:1 and they would have cleaned up at this gig. 

After a few glasses of welcome bubbly, I was soon chatting to the rest of the boyfriends at the bar. Somehow my Swedish must have improved miraculously for I was not only understanding, but speaking Swedish too. In a smooth, quiet and continuous motion, I made my way towards the dance floor but not before being stopped by 'randomgirl' who yearned for me by first name. I hate when this happens because I then have to pretend that I remember names. This occurrence repeated itself numerous times throughout the evening but just with different characters. To my surprise, they were not mates of 'ScienceGirl' but merely heard of the enigma. 

I am not quite sure how the night ended but apparently according to feedback, it went well. Or like 'Botham' or 'LukeyFiasco' would say "IN". It turns out 'TheeVanessa' was right when she said "don't fit in, stand out and shine Black Diamond" 

Colin Out...